Bittersweet

“I am lost inside; a thought,  
Aimlessly it wanders nowhere,  
My life is one of suffering  
Body and mind breaking apart.  
Waiting, wishing; for different,  
Standing at the edge of the cliff.  
Waves come crashing on broken bones.  
Is my reasoning enough?  
Will I fall beneath the waves?  
Or save me from my recklessness ...
Or will you turn the other way?”
 
People never die,  
In the name of suicide.  
They die from loneliness and sadness
Everyone should know that’s why.
 
No one knows my heartache,  
It lies behind my faked smile.  
No one knows the many times,  
I have wrapped, broke down and cried.  
 
Loss of sight of who I am,  
Pushing loved ones away.  
I seek isolation and darkness,  
Silently screaming, please stay.  
 
Always a struggle within,  
I pretend that I am okay.  
Yet I can't think of a reason,  
To keep me here today.  
 
Sometimes love is not enough,  
When you're sick,  
Consumed within emotion.  
Thinking others would not understand,  
Your painted on smile fools them again  
 
For me, my only way out,  
logical without a doubt.  
I bury the pain inside,  
Self-induced I isolate and hide.  
 
I'd rather the pain destroy me,  
As it slowly consumes my life  
My screaming woefully unheard,  
Reliving it all as violence.  
 
Being scarred inside,  
Devours your soul  
Thoughts begin to race,  
Tears run down your face.  
Years of help were never enough,  
I'm Haunted by memories...  
They're becoming too much.  
 
Men, women deeply broken  
The defeated, no longer strong.  
Hope, for them, is an illusion,  
A brainless optimist's solution  
Their voice with muted sound
Just praying to be heard,  
 
Being free of the pain  
I feel deep inside.  
I yearn to be happy  
Not scared all the time.  
 
A place to call home  
A place to call your own,  
A love without the scorn
New beginnings, out with the old  
Dreams are few and far between  
The end seems far more clear
No more hurt, on already tattered scars.  
No more pain, no more tears.
 
Finally; a silence, beyond words
A strange peace found within me,  
When I finally decide to die,  
Soon the darkness fades too light  
The voices haunt, getting louder,  
Convincing and harder to fight.  
 
While embracing bad memories in dreams,  
Death makes it's way closer for me.  
My cries for help, only the devil hears  
Consumed in the flames of his darkness  
I can no longer hide or try to disappear.  
 
And still, nothing has changed.  
I am still living with a curse,  
When clearly inside my mind  
I see a warm inviting hearse.  
leads me through a tunnel like maze  
As I walk amongst old blood and skulls
In the distance a noose invitingly hangs
Then it all comes to life in the shadows
 
This journey lies behind my mask
That no-one cared to even see
Til I wipe the smile, take off the mask
Is this fate? Am I real? Or is this yet another dream?
 
This path of misery  
Led me on a journey,  
Leaving scars on my body.  
Totally alone without any help  
Only recutting the wounds on myself.  
 
I Think of the future not last night,  
I ask will tomorrow be alright.  
Not everything in life is forever,  
A voice says take my hand,  
We'll get through this together.  
Or is it just the drugs kicking in  
I will trust, now I'm begging You  
To lend me your hand  
Before the world gets its way:  
Save me from being  
My bitter end  
 
Joanna Ryan-McDonald