Restless

It's 2:16 am and I can't sleep
Saturday, August 3rd, 2019
The dawn of a new month
My brain is working in overdrive
As I think about a lot of things
Fucked up things
I'm miserable and I hardly feel alive
I have all these twisted emotions and thoughts boiling inside
It's a wonder why I haven't died

It's 2:24 am and I question why am I still here
Roaming this fucked up dark earth like a zombie
Some would call me a hot mess
Trying to keep it together for those who could care less
Coming apart at the seams
Slowly but surely walking to the edge
When I finally fall it will be the end

It's 2:27 am and I wonder what he's doing
With whom and what he's thinking
I wish not to think about him at all but I can't help it
Does he still like me or did I fuck things up again?
Sigh
It makes me sad that I can't  have him
He's too perfect for my darkness to taint
All I want to do is protect him
From me
How sad indeed

It's 2:32 am and I know I can be better than this
I know her, that better version of myself
I like her, the me that's content, hopefully, positive, friendly and sweet
The me that everyone falls in love with
That everyone seems to want to protect
I miss her, she rarely comes out to play
She greets for a while but she doesn't stay
Instead it's me, the saddest eyes you'll ever seen
Angry, irritable, pessimistic and mean
She would do anything to not feel
That suffocates ever so often
That bleeds on the inside and sometimes on the out
That desperately tries to hide her scars
But it's getting hard, it's getting so fucking hard

It's 2:42 am and I wonder why I'm writing this
What am I doing as I bask in solitude, this sadness
How I want to end it all but I won't
Am I a coward or holding on for another way out
As the tears drop on my pillow
I hope tomorrow will be a better

It's 2:46 am now
Why am I still awake. Where art thou sleep?
Still at the very least I'm glad I wrote this
I feel better *smiles* even if it's just for a little bit