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The Socially Inept

Here we are again.... S.A.D
An uninvited visit from thee
All my comfort out the door
My trembling lips sealed
I'm render a fidgeting mess
My heart racing, my knees shaking
Just dying for this interaction to end

But here we are.... Once again...
I don't like this feel
I loathe this pain
That you cruelly bestowed upon me
My mind goes blank
For they call upon me to speak
But not a word I can
Is it simply because I'm weak?

I fear I'll say something stupid
I fear I'll be humiliated
I fear they'll judge me
For you've told me I would
S.A.D.... you've thrown in my face
All my doubts and insecurities
Unable to conquer, left defenseless
Have you any idea how lonely that feels

Then comes the pause
And the dreaded moment begins
when they turn the attention at me
Curious about my being,
The girl they never seen
Once again it's just me
The one who's
Yet to bring meaningful words
To the conversation they speak
So they asked about me

And yet... you S.A.D
always haul my words away
Might as well rip my throat out
Too while you’re at it
You took what made me, me
Left in fear, scramble thoughts and panic
Secretly dying for this moment to end
Like where's a rock when you need it?

Smile, no that won't work this time
Maybe a little candor
Tell them that anxiety is crippling
And being singled out isn't helping
Preach it to the minds that won't understand
Rather they probably think me strange
Stare with furrow brows as they regard me
and bicker about my ways

I blame them not
They don't know what they don't know
But I'm use to this by now
The stares, the mortifying questions
Are you okay?
Why are you so quiet?
Can you talk?
What's wrong with you?
This is all such familiar territories
Humans question what they don't understand
Social Anxiety Disorder
S.A.D for short
My pain, my faceless enemy
In way an old friend
My burden to bear
As it was when I began
So it will be when I end

I ponder if death is better than this
And I've welcome the familiar loneliness
Why did I get out of bed at all
I could have avoided all of this
When you know what you are
Strangely socially awkward
Speaking is hard
So writing be my only solace

When it's all said and done
And I'm finally alone
In such perfect solitude
I'm left playing out the encounter
In my head, again and again
Angry at myself
Why didn't I say this?
Why didn't I just breathe?
Try as I may, to compensate for it all
As I make up scenarios in my head
Conjuring up better ways the situation could have went
A better version of myself

As I fall, so dejected by the failure
As my mind sinks into that dark place
With tear stained cheeks,
Against my soft pillow
Reliving my mistakes rather than sleep
As my subconscious welcomes another old friend
Oh depression I wonder, how long has it been?
bleedin-heart-gurl
Written by bleedin-heart-gurl
Published
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