deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost Control
Fear spreads through me as the familiar rage begins to overtake me
If only people knew what was happening, if only they could see.
But no one recognizes the signs, the tremors in my body, the darkening eyes
No one sees the monster inside me; no one hears my desperate cries.
The monster is back, bloodthirsty as ever, desiring to cause even more pain
Every time he comes out, I lose more of myself, become more and more insane.
He takes over, binds me with his hate, and locks me away
I never know how long he’ll imprison me for, whether a few hours or the whole day.
Someone, anyone, I beg you, please, hear my cries, come and set me free
Just release these shackles; can’t you see that this is not who I want to be?
I try my hardest to win control, but his hatred crushes my will
For he’s stronger now; I can sense this time he has intent to kill.
The only thing I feel is the burn of his many cuts over my exposed veins
He said he just wants to help, and that this is the only way to stop the real pain.
In desperation to stop the internal chaos, I believe him and his web of lies
As he holds the knife out to me, I realize he’s just helping, he’s truly quite wise.
With determination in my eyes, I take the knife from him and make a tighter fist
And like a skilled artist, create new bloody designs that flow from my cut up wrists.
It drips down like gentle rain, and forms a dark puddle on the floor
In my head, I hear my monster sweetly whispering to me “that’s it, just a little more”.
Like a student desperate to please his master, I begin to slice faster and deeper
This whole time, it’s felt like I was climbing a hill…but suddenly that hill seems steeper.
My arms burn, legs become weak; I try to move but slip on something slick
As I look around, I see a red floor, and realize I lost a lot of blood, and lost it too quick.
I feel tired, all I want to do is just lay here on the floor, and get some rest
As I start to drift away, I realize that maybe this cutting idea wasn’t the best.
I can feel the fire beginning to fade, replaced with an icy feeling that’s spreading fast
I feel betrayed, for I believed his lie that by doing this I would find peace at last.
Instead I feel nothing but regret, and an overwhelming sense of fear
For it has finally dawned on me that I went too far, it’s too late, now my end is here.
My eyesight dims, breathing becomes labored, head starts to pound
With frantic eyes, I look for my monster to help me, but he’s nowhere to be found.
He’s gone, no longer inside me; his lust finally satisfied after all these long years
I’m alone now; no monster around, only a blood stained knife and a pool of red tears.
My strength is gone; I finally lost the fight against my depression and sorrow
I fall into the shadows of darkness, never again to wake to another tomorrow.
If only people knew what was happening, if only they could see.
But no one recognizes the signs, the tremors in my body, the darkening eyes
No one sees the monster inside me; no one hears my desperate cries.
The monster is back, bloodthirsty as ever, desiring to cause even more pain
Every time he comes out, I lose more of myself, become more and more insane.
He takes over, binds me with his hate, and locks me away
I never know how long he’ll imprison me for, whether a few hours or the whole day.
Someone, anyone, I beg you, please, hear my cries, come and set me free
Just release these shackles; can’t you see that this is not who I want to be?
I try my hardest to win control, but his hatred crushes my will
For he’s stronger now; I can sense this time he has intent to kill.
The only thing I feel is the burn of his many cuts over my exposed veins
He said he just wants to help, and that this is the only way to stop the real pain.
In desperation to stop the internal chaos, I believe him and his web of lies
As he holds the knife out to me, I realize he’s just helping, he’s truly quite wise.
With determination in my eyes, I take the knife from him and make a tighter fist
And like a skilled artist, create new bloody designs that flow from my cut up wrists.
It drips down like gentle rain, and forms a dark puddle on the floor
In my head, I hear my monster sweetly whispering to me “that’s it, just a little more”.
Like a student desperate to please his master, I begin to slice faster and deeper
This whole time, it’s felt like I was climbing a hill…but suddenly that hill seems steeper.
My arms burn, legs become weak; I try to move but slip on something slick
As I look around, I see a red floor, and realize I lost a lot of blood, and lost it too quick.
I feel tired, all I want to do is just lay here on the floor, and get some rest
As I start to drift away, I realize that maybe this cutting idea wasn’t the best.
I can feel the fire beginning to fade, replaced with an icy feeling that’s spreading fast
I feel betrayed, for I believed his lie that by doing this I would find peace at last.
Instead I feel nothing but regret, and an overwhelming sense of fear
For it has finally dawned on me that I went too far, it’s too late, now my end is here.
My eyesight dims, breathing becomes labored, head starts to pound
With frantic eyes, I look for my monster to help me, but he’s nowhere to be found.
He’s gone, no longer inside me; his lust finally satisfied after all these long years
I’m alone now; no monster around, only a blood stained knife and a pool of red tears.
My strength is gone; I finally lost the fight against my depression and sorrow
I fall into the shadows of darkness, never again to wake to another tomorrow.
Published 5th Feb 2012
| Edited 16th Dec 2023
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 10
reading list entries 7
comments 18
reads 1449
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The author encourages honest critique.
5th Feb 2012 6:26pm
Anonymous
6th Feb 2012 6:24am
a good poem
6th Feb 2012 5:34pm
4th Mar 2012 5:06pm
4th Mar 2012 6:22pm
Thank you firesister :) That's always my goal, to allow the reader to almost feel like it's happening to them while they're reading it.
4th Mar 2012 6:28pm
4th Mar 2012 6:40pm
4th Mar 2012 7:12pm
12th Mar 2012 10:54pm
13th Mar 2012 11:23am
21st Mar 2012 6:07am
Your writing is amazing. I love that I can visualize everything you write, with ease. A lot of voice. <3
21st Mar 2012 11:27am
Thank you very much l0v3ly! :) I'm glad that you can visualize it. It's always my goal that the reader can feel, visualize, or picture what's happening as if it's right in front of them. Thank you once again :)
27th Mar 2012 5:32am
This a great piece and I hope the monster can become satisfied without you hurting yourself. I have finally satisfied my demons and I am 15 so I know you can do it. If your will is as strong as your words, you can accomplish anything.
27th Mar 2012 11:09am
Well thank you very much dangerousdesires! I am glad that you satisfied your demons. I have, with the help of some therapy and a psychologist, managed to satisfy mine lol. Been good for about 10 months! ^_^ guess the Navy helped me after all haha.
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Oct 2019 3:45am
6th Apr 2012 1:58am
<< post removed >>
6th Apr 2012 9:53am
Thank you sexyredhead :) it's one of my favorites :D not sure if I like this one or it's prequel, The Beast Within, more lol.
14th Sep 2012 5:21am
I followed your link on the favorite poem thread to this poem, and I'm quite happy I did, astonishing work, though I got the feeling that I was reading a chapter rather than a poem. At the same time, that gave me more of a story feel, and this is a satisfyingly dark and dangerous poem. Feel free to follow my link over to my poem as well.
AlwaysCaliban
AlwaysCaliban
14th Sep 2012 6:43am
Thank you :) True, many of my poems hold more of the story feel, for most of my poems are about different stories of my life, so they tend to flow more in that direction. Still working on learning other techniques. I did indeed follow your link, and your poem is now in my reading list. I loved it!
