Falling Flat

Falling Flat
 
You were it for me. You were the one I wanted to marry and I had never felt so sure. You know how you ask people how they knew and they say “You just know.” It was just like that. We were a definite match and no one could tell me otherwise.  
 
We never argued, never fought. You were goddamn stubborn but I’m patient and we  balanced each other out.  
 
It felt good and I was proud. Telling all my girlfriends, soliciting advice for rings and dresses. I didn’t want anything big or fancy or even to involve many people, but it was exciting to talk about. The ceremony would be intimate and ours. Only the trees and those so lucky would bare witness.  
 
You were the first serious partner I ever introduced to my extended family and they welcomed you with open arms. Even comparing you and your floor laying/stretching to the other males in the family. They accepted you and indoctrinated you into the pride.  
 
Even crazier to me was how easy it was to introduce you to my alcoholic father. Someone I’ve been ashamed and embarrassed to talk about my whole life. But I had no fear with you. I knew you wouldn’t judge.  
 
Not to mentioned, you loved my home state, and not that cowboy shit, I mean my real home. You even talked about moving there. An idea I once scoffed at is now most endearing.
 
You’re hard working and I admire that about you. Perhaps not a quality all women admire, but it’s one of the first things I noticed about you, besides your handsome good looks. The few times I caught a glimpse of you without you seeing me first, you looked so serious about the work you were doing. This still reigned true during our relationship as you proved yourself in a new career field, working long days and weekends, all while entertaining those around you. You’re a provider.  
 
I can’t even talk about laughter without crying, which is ironic. You made life so enjoyable for me consistently, even when your jokes were bad, or after I’d heard them a million times. Your mission was always to make me smile and you never quit until you won.  
 
I remember one of my favorite qualities about you was how caring you are. You care deeply about your friends and family. You’ve helped care for sick, disabled, and mentally-ill, family and complete strangers. You’re humble. I knew I would always be taken care of if I was with you.  
 
Speaking of family. I loved your family. I often imagined us traveling through the Scottish highlands, County Kerry, and other parts of the region together, though it felt less of my imagination and more of a tangible thing. I appreciated how proud they were of their heritage and the idea of celebrating it with them thrilled me.  
 
I loved that you wanted to care for your folks as they aged and I wanted nothing more than to be there for them too. I saw us in a multi-generational house together. Your parents and our kids. Learning and passing down knowledge the way it’s supposed to be.  
 
Our love and love-making was unparalleled. You knew my body better than I did, reading my goosebumps like Braille. Going great lengths to please. You didn’t always say a lot but your eyes and smile spoke loud and clear. You loved me.  
 
I could talk about you and our relationships positive qualities forever because I believe them and I don’t want to forget how good I had it, but what did I offer you? I guess I’ll never know and perhaps that was part of the problem. Your feelings and appreciation for me were shown with acts of kindness and affection, but rarely words.  
 
So why does that matter? As I reach inward, working to process my actions and mistakes, I have to think it holds a lot of answers as to what went wrong. Amplified by a modern pandemic, resurfacing issues with my dad, questionable advice and general insecurities; my mental state and decision-making were tested.
 
I’m not trying to place blame nor will I persuade you. I know nothing I can explain will come close to solving the hurt I inflicted on you with my foolish actions and a few foul words. Also you’re goddamn stubborn.  
 
Alcoholism caused disfunction in my family. Point blank. There’s no denying it. My home was like a land mine, while we all survived, we walked away broken and in pieces. Some of us more than others.  
 
For me, I’m still assessing the damage, but I know that it created a vulnerability, one surrounding praise or attention. Something I lacked while my dad was avoiding his life and our family by passing out drunk in the garage. Something I missed out on while my mom was a full time student at Sam Houston, knowing the degree meant freedom and sovereignty for her. For me? I sought drugs and disassociation.  
 
One place I did find attention was from males. Apparently it’s not difficult to attract the attention of most men, just exist. This came into play as I experimented sexually in high school. Probably not that dissimilar from other kids except for what I unknowingly gained from it. The praise I received surrounding my looks and my body began to build my self/self-confidence.
 
Now, I’ve learned a lot about the world and myself since then. I’ve acquired tools throughout life to build myself up and fill my cup. Whether it’s setting and reaching goals, doing good work, helping others, traveling, or making friends laugh and laughing with friends. However; I am still imperfect and being learned does not make me impervious to mistakes.
 
When I first heard about the five love languages, I thought it sounded like such garbage. Just take this quick ten-question quiz and find out what type of monkey you are! How could the answer be so simple?  
The answer is that it’s not. It merely unlocked a piece of the puzzle, that in a moment of silence and clarity, I was able to see where it fits.  
 
Words of affirmations. In terms of love language, it means your partners love and appreciation are affirmed through words. For instance, feeling loved when your partner tells you how attractive you are. Or how much you mean to them. Or saying that your the love of their life and they can’t wait to spend the rest of their life with you.  
 
Affirmation defined (1) the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed. (2) emotional support or encouragement. And my favorite part, the example, "the lack of one or both parents' affirmation leaves some children emotionally crippled.” Ouch.  
 
When my dad attempted suicide, the same time the pandemic hit, trying but failing miserably to work from home, National BLM riots, travel plans cancelled, the failed discussions with you and engagement. My cup emptied and my vulnerabilities began to shine. I doubted everything.  
 
I needed to hear words from you to know that everything was okay. I was introduced to someone that wasn’t shy with affirmations. They were modest, complimenting my intelligence and wit but eventually branching out to my appearance. It felt good to be noticed and acknowledged in a time hidden under masks and mounds of sanitizer. It felt good because I didn’t feel good. In a time so emotionally chaotic, not unlike my childhood, I received the attention I was missing. I doubted everything.  
 
With the attention I began to think about open relationships. Sound the alarm for taking advice from people who are also broken. I thought my desire for attention while maintaining love and attraction for you must mean that I should be in an open relationship. I did not betrayed you, but asked your honest opinion and continued evaluating sexuality and matrimony through books, various friends, and therapy.  
 
What I know now, in my self-reflection, destructive words already spoken, damage sustained, is that I was vastly vastly misguided. What makes me whole is a trusted partner with the qualities I mentioned in the beginning. These are the things I failed to evaluate, miscalculated, and after loosing you, they all came crashing down. My foundation broken.  
 
The ending is a little blurry for me. Acting out like a child. Replaying my teenage years. Trauma patterns. You said something to the effect of me just trying to cause drama and you weren’t far off.  
 
When I said I was done, I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted all those words from you I never got. I wanted to hear how much I meant to you! I wanted to hear that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Yes, I’m screaming now. Why did you let me go so goddamn easy??
 
Learned. If college taught me anything it’s how to learn and how to learn from mistakes. I recently learned I had a vulnerability- one that increased the likelihood of me making decisions that I wasn’t aware I was making - now I am aware of it. Awareness means bringing something into consciousness. There’s no going back but I can say with confidence that I can make honest and sound decisions going into the future understanding the depth and breadth of my exposed vulnerabilities and will not be shy asking for the language I need.
 
Stubborn boy and stupid girl. Is it just me or do these words fall flat?