A Catalyst for Transformation Ending in Bullshit

Too long cacooned trying to comply
I lost myself trying to conform
I miss my beast
I miss wild
I miss my freedom

Clinched teeth with matching fists
Blood in my eyes

My bouts of worthlessness will never cease
This is exactly how villians are made
I'm beyond ready to embrace myself
Brass knuckles for everything in my path

Human souls be damned
Mine feels fucked
If no one wants to hold me
I will destroy them

A hidden rage that never existed
Festers rapidly
A snarling snout that smells this bullshit
Sharpening my teeth

My overwhelming empathy
Has not been lost, it's been discarded

And my tightly held honesty
Remains but evolves into madness

I'm tired of being tired
Exhausted by my strife
Remind me once again that I'm still alive

Inescapable visions of the rope around my throat
Shall be the very symbol i shall use to now seek out whatever that i want

Pounded chest
And ripped out hair
No one to blame for the unfair

I've wasted all my time like a hobby
But now my veins are throbbing

I'm ready now
To be the me
That i never knew existed

I'll light the smallest candle
Use my vengeance
Try my best to start vigilance

I can't remain
Or stay the same
Damn me for being broken

And all the sap of triumphalism
Fuck every rallying speech

I'm not the same
Freedom of insane
Deceased and I'll take myself with me

Self embrace with no self love
The answer I've always needed

Bent knee to no man
Collapsing joints as I'm left in pieces

Fragmented
Shattered
Tourniquet to tie off

No ashes to arise from
But this reincarnation sneers
After I've died off

And all it took was to recognize my delusion
And all it took was opening my eyes of my illusions

That i alone have conjured
No more apologies for being a bother
No longer

Held back by my honor
Integrity is all i had
It all got me nowhere
A cemented nomad

And i have been lying to myself
Instantly broken mental health

I can't take it anymore
Rotting from the inside out
My thoughts are sore

There's a vileness inside
Unsure if i should release it or give it a home
After all I'm the one who must be the disease
And I'm ready to infect anyone within my cloud

Make it stop it's so loud

I swear I'm not this dramatic
I promise I'm not this desperate
But who else could i be speaking to if no one is ever listening

She always speaks of intention
As an excuse to never address the action
Manslaughter charge held with forgiveness
Doesn't change the fact it happened

All my words
All i write
All i feel
Forever futile

I'm ready for my veins to run cold
I was already there once
Nihilism took hold
I remember you my old friend

Will you be the one to take me back again
Now that there's no one left

Fuck it, you will because i said so
I won't continue to hold my breath

I've been hiding and it's changed me
I've been silent and it's shaped me
I've been thinking and it breaks me

Used for orgasms both physical and mental
Good at my job, but I'm shadowed and demanding more

These bitches just discard after
And I'm shaking my head in disgust
Fuck me for never being good enough

I was, but you crave the pain
I am, but these women are all the same
All lies until they're fucked out of their brains

And then i observe the inferior taking what i want
From this point on it'll be met with a broken jaw

Nothing to lose
When all to lose will happen anyways

Same label, a new type of crazy
It's fucking stupid, not insane

You can't be labeled crazy
Because I'm hovering over and i understand

I have the power to make him my bitch
While you try to explain that he's your man

It's time for medicine to once again conclude my day
Measly eighty proof in plastic
Symbiosis of the liver

Unfriended
Pretended

Unfollowed
Hollow

It's too fuckin hard
Scarred

Torn apart
Still at fault

I obeyed whenever asked
Collapsed

Dedicated
Frustrated

Completely fucked
Never enough

What more could i do
How much longer
All an unknown to always ponder
To wander
A bother

And I'm the piece of shit for hurting
My fault for feeling pain

I had to do the talking
And carry the blame

Unreal
Not allowed to feel

And through thick and thin
The end

I feel the strength that hides inside of me
So i sit here and write the lies that I'll overcome

I'm done

I can't shake these thoughts
Mind is torn
Of walking into my garage
With an extension cord

It's the best fantasy i have
I'm exhausted of just being.... sad

I'm better than all of you
All untrue
Friendless
Still unwanted

Unwanted by all
No exaggeration

It's blatant
Fucked over because of my patience

And the only way to become myself
Is to throw away all that i am

Just to feel like a man

Checked out
No doubt
The world spins while i lay still

I'm losing my mind
While no one around sees it
I'm a professional at this shit

I have no clue what to do with my lonely time
There's an abundance of it

I have no clue
On what to do
But I'm desperate
I need help

I reached out
Reminded I'm a burden

Ignored
Pitied and worthless

An orgasm
Then told to walk out the door
I wanted more

Number one in nothing
Number one for no one

I swear, just look at me, I've always been trying
Of every day of my life feels like dying
I thought it'd help, I've finally been crying

I'm losing all the things that i never had
I'm losing my friends
Just like i lost my dad
If i don't poke my head in
No one checks in
I've lost the facade
I've lost the illusion
I've lost all within

I'm losing my hope
I'm losing my ability to cope
The myriad of those with mental health issues that I've helped

Now I'm desperately in need
Lashing out
Wanting to die
It all falls apart
And i literally can't start over again

Bury my head and pretend
Carry myself so that nobody knows
But I'm so close to implode

So here, random fuck, come read this unedited thread
And then click to the next page with your shrug and you "meh"

But this is what this is all about
Letting it out
In the attempts that hopefully it won't be so loud
My head in a cloud
Gasping to drown
Goddamn it my eyes open again to fake a new day

All this just to say

Not an absolute goddamn thing
Ring of suffering

And what the fuck am i doing
I'm clueless
MisUsing
Abusing
Cruelty

There's been no one since birth that cares how I've felt
I'm just wrong and don't know how to help