deepundergroundpoetry.com
The candlestick
Your love is like a candlestick
that burns within my soul
The wind like many other things
will try to blow it cold
The flame is warm and glowing
Like me when I'm with you
I melt slowly like candle wax
from a caress so soft and true
But we must protect that candlestick
and keep the flame alive
For the fire may burn out
at any given time
**Written in 2004 at 16 years old**
that burns within my soul
The wind like many other things
will try to blow it cold
The flame is warm and glowing
Like me when I'm with you
I melt slowly like candle wax
from a caress so soft and true
But we must protect that candlestick
and keep the flame alive
For the fire may burn out
at any given time
**Written in 2004 at 16 years old**
Published 1st Feb 2012
| Edited 2nd Feb 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
2nd Feb 2012 2:14am
babygurljrl
Welcome to DUP.
This is the first work of yours
I have come across.
This is direct-bare-sans any poetic
extravaganza found elsewhere in love
poems.
I like the comparision of love to a
candlestick-it stans out.
A few suggestions:
-Punctuations in my opinion arrest
the flow here. Leave it as it is-
bare and open which would give it
fluidity. JMHO.
-The CAPS at the beginning of a few
lines can be altered as they are
continuations from previous lines.
They again impede the progress.
-'When you caress me to.' The 'to' in
the end stuck me as 'unfamilar'
Again IMHO.
Write on,
S'
Welcome to DUP.
This is the first work of yours
I have come across.
This is direct-bare-sans any poetic
extravaganza found elsewhere in love
poems.
I like the comparision of love to a
candlestick-it stans out.
A few suggestions:
-Punctuations in my opinion arrest
the flow here. Leave it as it is-
bare and open which would give it
fluidity. JMHO.
-The CAPS at the beginning of a few
lines can be altered as they are
continuations from previous lines.
They again impede the progress.
-'When you caress me to.' The 'to' in
the end stuck me as 'unfamilar'
Again IMHO.
Write on,
S'
2nd Feb 2012 1:05pm
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my poem. I have made some changes based on the feedback you have given me. Please tell me if you find it to be an improvement. I understand what you mean with the word "to", I think at the time i had written it I may have just been at a loss for a word that fir there, so I simply changed the entire line. I also removed the punctuation and you are right it does flow much better now. Again, I appreciate your feedback and hope you enjoyed reading it. Thanks again:)
10th Mar 2018 5:12am
