Grandfather-says1

 
He calls it the “big girl game”
He takes his hand
and puts it down “there”.
We are in the shed
behind the house.
No one knows we are there.
As he moves his hand
I feel a strange sensation
like I’ve never felt before.
I sense it’s wrong
but it feels so good
so I go with it.
I’m carried to a height
that is weird in a
wonderful sort of way.
Mother asked where I’d been?
I said in the shed  
playing with grandpa.
She forbade me to go to the shed.
I never went back
but the memory lingered.
Years later I reflected  
on the dark path  
I had followed with
lovers I have hated
and had used me.
I sank beneath the
waves of guilt and regret.
My thoughts raised  
the image of “him”,
and me, as a child,
used and abused.
He claimed to love me.
I’m a child
You can’t have me
“I’ve already got you,”
he says.