My Transgender Diaries (Winter 2018–Spring 2019)

You've known this feeling for a long
time–it ebbs and flows and for weeks  
on end you think you've got it licked–
but then it hits again like a tsunami. It  
conveys the message, direct and  
personal, not at all confidential
 
That Everything is lost,
That Everything is compromised,
That Nothing was ever right, not even  
from the start,
 
All the dreams, all the magic, all the  
wonder,
All the Hope
Are all just lies,
 
Everyone you know thinks you're crazy,
Everyone you know thinks you need to  
be pitied,
No one you know really likes you,
 
On repeat.
 
It's an enemy but it feels like a friend it's  
been with you so long this feeling that  
everything is lost everything is  
compromised nothing was ever right  
from the start and nothing would ever  
be again the dreams and the magic and  
the wonder just rotten foundations  
built upon piers rotted before they even  
went in and you could hold on to this  
feeling forever sink in to it like  
collapsing tumbling forever down but  
that's like saying the light which you  
thought you inhabited which you  
thought was your own which you
thought you could expand into  
indefinitely turns out to be the pyre the  
moth dives into head first but it doesn't  
have to be because all you have to do is  
notice to remember that this good  
friend is no friend at all and to  
remember that the trust which you had  
in yourself yesterday is no different  
than the trust which you had in yourself  
the day before which is no different  
than the trust that you will have in  
yourself again tomorrow that you will  
have in yourself again tomorrow that  
you will have in yourself again  
tomorrow in tomorrow and and and
 
Can you stretch out, now, for a while?  
Assuming? If you have a moth in your  
head, you don't have to tie it down or  
lock it up or smash it apart because,  
you have to remember, that  
department are your friends, you have  
to remember that you have to trust  
your trust in the past and tomorrow  
already believes in your faith again.