I AM

I AM...

I am an addict, and I have been to some fucked up places in life. I have been hurt and I hurt others, I became what I hated and betrayed myself countless times. I was the Judge, Jury and Executioner of all around me. Nothing anybody did to me was worse than what I did to myself and the false salvation I found in a substance kept me blind to the endless darkness I was entering into more and more with each intake.

I used to love being outside, suddenly the sun was too bright. I used to love climbing trees and playing in the mud. Suddenly I couldn't even see the trees or remember the pleasure of innocence. I used to heal the wounds and clean off the blood, suddenly I caused the wounds and wanted to see the blood spilling. I used to believe in kindness, but suddenly I only find cruelty. I used to seek beauty, but suddenly I only destroy it. I used to be filled with curiosity and excitement, suddenly I had no interest nor sensation.

I fell down and struggled to find the strength to get back up, then from very deep within I heard her say: "Don't you think we had enough, you were supposed to protect me and now I fear we may never be saved." I broke and called out in desperation to the same God I denied so many times before. I felt something and received the strength to rise one more time.

I found the light comforting again and the innocent pleasure of playing in the rain and jumping in the mud, I saw the trees and watched deep rotten wounds heal and I washed the blood off, I received kindness and wanted to share it, I became a seeker once more and discovered treasures so amazingly precious.

I am an addict and will always be yet i do not allow this or the darkness i faced to devine me. i am a miracle and that i will always be...