Pages torn from a hustler's journal: 15

Experiencing one-ness with the universe for layers at a time opens up layers of who I could have been versus who I am at present. Everything that I experienced was by choice and as such the paths not taken remain stacked en potentia.
 
Improving my health by monitoring my nutrition and making incremental steps towards being ketogenic, gluten-free and more organic has yielded me layers of deep physical understanding and self awareness from noticing different chemical processes being different in my physical ecology.
 
Being explicit and clear about what every situation and position is for and yields in my life maintains a consistent narrative of striving towards freedom, for personal mastery, striving for enlightened self-interest. Achieving this state of self actualization through fierce ambition, dogged independence and street smarts is what has made me personally resilient.
 
Looking forward to the day and week ahead simply for it being a part of me and an extension of my self discovery cements me to the journey of being as a journey of self-discovery and improvement. If I am constantly peeling away layers of imperfection and honing my craft than I am constantly taking steps towards my higher state and the journey no matter how slow is forward moving.
 
Having women in my life in the specific roles that they would want to fulfill for themselves compartmentalizes my own role in theirs and thus allows me to arrange my life and also my mind accordingly that efficiency of resource can be optimized. Tabs in my mind can each clearly contain the information of each partner, our dynamic, the expectations and history thereof. As a result understanding myself as a whole is far easier when all the pieces are in place and thus I can examine myself from satellite view, not as a lover, a receiver of love, but as a person capable of giving.  
 
Forgiveness is tricky and we have to open ourselves up to the notion that we are everything we encounter, everyone we met. To forgive is to heal one’s own self in another form. Forgiving does not mean tolerating bad behavior or abuse, but letting go of expectations of any better behavior, letting go of any attachment. Everything that happens is a thing that happens. To give love despite the reality of a situation is to have a perspective wider than one’s own reality.
 
Opening one’s heart wide enough to swallow the universe and encompass everything that could’ve been expands one’s life past one’s own consciousness and life, such that the acceptance of becoming one with Gaia at the end of life becomes a strived for condition. To become Earth is to realize that I have been Earth all along. I was always the universe, just minutely focused on one consciousness, my own until it ceased to be my own.
 
One year ago and change was an encounter with mushrooms that took me around the world and allowed me to see just how one I was with everything and how wrong I was in seeing separation, distinction. Last night I did LSD and found my inner center past hallucination and possibility, coming to peace with everything as simply what life is, while still feeling a revived re-started desire to know and feel everything in front of me. I have been reborn from LSD, into a world that I forgot was always me.
 
When we say no to one thing we are saying yes to something else. By drawing a boundary we are claiming ground to stand upon. Standing there grows roots. Those roots grow trees, which bear fruit. That fruit might not be what was expected when the first “No” fertilized the ground, but that fruit bears new trees all the same. What comes back to kill you is your own game. No shame, it shows your aims.
 
 
Substance of a dream / Nothing is as it seems / Touching the unseen / A brush with otherworldly means / Like how many Elohim dance on the edge of a triple beam? / Whoops, that was species-ist at the seams / Need a new scene / Feed with truest beings / Buck and a dream road / All day switching between code / Twitching nerves cold / Switching until blurring shows / Sit in what occurs unto flow / Hunger shows spikes and angles grow / The ghost of Michelangelo / Most unknown but so composed / Touch and go / Handle slow / Handshake close / Handle the breaks quid pro quo / So every time shares shit / Climbing merit / Like some Potlach spirit / The spot that catches, get near it / Nothing ever it as it appears? / Never fear this / Mirrors whisper / What’s nearly invisible yet so near / Like reeling in the years / Catches up spurious reigns intact / Acid rain bath / Curious untamed cats / No one’s the same / Every thought unclaimed / A universe rendered lame / Crippled world / Flip the bird / Ripples emerge / Riddles murder / A little disturbed / Whittle it further / Spit what you observe / Cyphers all serve / The view of the blue pearl / Swerve to the tidal curl / Ride the tapestry unfurled / So many worlds collide inside / Ride or die / Lie or decide / Comply or try / Life never severed a tie / Flimsy or taut / Windsor knot / Tuck your chin or get rocked / Stick and move / Flippant groove / Rip it through / Bitches brew / No hit ever missed me as hard as I miss you / Epiphany proves / Lucidity caulks / Cracks in the gestalt / Prima facie track of my default / Lean back and fall / Keen tracks to call / No track’s invincible / Jenga’s made to fall / Systems crack to evolve / No one knows it all / That slob Peter blamed it on Paul / Call up Mary / Magdalene screened the coldest view / The boldest screw / Bridging the old and the new / Gold conductive fuse / Sold me on that AU / Used to be the only way they paid you / These days that and my word are the only things that always stay true
 
 
Somewhen the world went sideways. Cities on fire, sporadic rioting that pops off without escalation, secret police grabbing people off the streets and more ranks waiting for insurrection. A few months ago it was Us vs Them, the Old and the New, the Woke Emotional and the Stoic Logical. Tribalism was running amok and we as a nation were torn apart over gender issues, mental health crisis and speech. 1st world problems but we are a first world, and so our place on the dynamic spiral of civilization makes our arrival every day focused on manufactured problems. Much of what’s addressed these days is necessary because everyone has needs and every issue has some weight. The forcing of others to address issues, forcing others to change their speech or pretend to think a certain way was causing the latest wave of civil rights movement to waiver. Every generation has waves of advancement for civil rights. Every wave has its liabilities and assets in its strategic motion. Every chapter is part of the greater narrative, which expressed as consciousness flexing itself, makes each wave a muscle twitch, an itch, a minute movement for the gigantic SuperOrganism.  
 
Somewhen the world went sideways, when a pandemic forced most of the world to quarantine ourselves. Locked away in our homes, afraid to touch our groceries or each other. Another black man was killed by a white cop on camera. The whole world watched the 8 1/2 minute horror, over and over and the world exploded. The movement was consolidated, BLM and the Democratic Party.  
 
You can't contribute money to one without it going directly to the other.
 
Makes it hard to represent one without representing the other. If all the oppressed classes are one group, does it make me a traitor if I agree with some and disagree with some? If I am active in the working class community, supporting local businesses, while exposing international ties and corporate crimes, thinking globally, acting locally, conversing with those in the local office, rolling with the small town entrepreneurs, actively contributing to Hip Hop, tracking and evaluating Hip Hop and Comedy, simultaneously dating Black, Latina and non-binary women, initiating the arming and legal conceal-carry right of every woman I love or merely fuck, but I also brand my neck with a lifeline-to-bar code tattoo that reads “Made in the USA” so I can deflect potential race-based assault, am I tribally immersed enough to have opposing views?  
 
Or does having any opposing views make me the Asian Candace Owens?  
 
I commissioned a seamstress to make a mask for me with burning font that reads “Virtue Signal”. If we’re making this shit tribal, let's make this shit tribal. Fuck it, you can play my game. You got more dough? I got more flow. I’ll outlast and adapt.
 
If I speak up about the fiscal ties across the movement and the social maneuvering that consolidates a wave and contrast that with, well, every other revolution I studied my entire life, and pin-pointed the overlooked details, the same patterns of every black bag operation I researched and collected, will it always be a painful conversation?  
 
I listen all day to podcasts of economists, doctors, leaders of industry, comparing and searching for what’s between the seams. Cop friends talk raw especially after jiu ijtsu. You leave something on the mat when you grapple hard, especially in a fighting gym versus a self defense gym. That’s why I call it the Temple. The degree of physical receptivity, the intense conduit bond that’s shared in the life-or-death struggle yields a social intimacy that runs parallel to tantric rituals. Naturally the honesty shared after class is equally intense. Last night Dr. Quinn had to stop me, from sharing too much of that honesty with her, passing on an inside view. “Whoa. Stop. Stop. Stop. There’s some things you don’t talk about on the phone.”  
 
Wasn’t about one line. Was about the next ziggurat I had to drop. But that’s the world, it’s impossible to unsee. It’s nothing new from the days of rhyming about economic hitmen, seduction and ground sharks. It’s just so many puzzle pieces. Just about the worst fucking time for all the comedy clubs and the music venues to be closed. Now is when we need it the most. Live comedy, Hip Hop, punk rock and burlesque every month.  
 
Too much to do for yours truly to stop and bitch about losing my social ritual. Spread wildflower seeds, nasturtiums throughout farmtown. Turn the whole country road outside my house purple. Then make the river trail bloom. Fill it with saplings from dwarf asian fruit trees. Make this whole fucking farm town bloom and create a hundred bee homes. In 10 years this place’ll look exotic and nobody will know it was me. Tend to my vegetable garden. Keep tending until bumper crop yields me the ability to trade with my neighbors, until I’m only bartering for milk, eggs, cheese, bread, honey and mostly growing my own veggies. Turn the office room into a solarium. Won’t be taking clients in this place anyways. Write a half hour of stand up by the time Covid Curtain lifts. Maybe that’s where I can take all the content that can’t be discussed. Controversial Comedy: Shoot the Messenger. Intense massive response to a global concern. Personalized global response.  
 
This morning was jiu jitsu, this afternoon is float tank, sensory deprivation with Cookie Dough. Between is a smoldering fire.