deepundergroundpoetry.com
TAUNT ME
what in life do you want
money, power, women, children
taunt me if you must but
what i want only one person can offer
that person has seen me cry, seen me laugh, calmed me down when i am angry, and cherred me up when i am sad
taunt me if you must but
only one person has seen the true me and not judged
that person has seenme die a little at a time inside each day
that person has been with me through and through, hard times or not
taunt me if you must but
who are you to judge
who are you to tell me what i am or not
who are you
taunt me if you must but
for me to flaunt this person and you judge
taunt me no more for
what you say has no impact on what i am orwhat i do
taunt me no more for
we are through, there is no more taunting from you
you makethe choice
taunt me or not
money, power, women, children
taunt me if you must but
what i want only one person can offer
that person has seen me cry, seen me laugh, calmed me down when i am angry, and cherred me up when i am sad
taunt me if you must but
only one person has seen the true me and not judged
that person has seenme die a little at a time inside each day
that person has been with me through and through, hard times or not
taunt me if you must but
who are you to judge
who are you to tell me what i am or not
who are you
taunt me if you must but
for me to flaunt this person and you judge
taunt me no more for
what you say has no impact on what i am orwhat i do
taunt me no more for
we are through, there is no more taunting from you
you makethe choice
taunt me or not
Published 19th Jan 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
ok mathew.
what you have is a lot of emotion going on here.love, anger etc.
you just need to hone in a bit more on what you want to say , and say more with less words.
there were a few lines and half lines here that were surplus to requirements.
try having a clear idea of what you want to say
then put it into the least amount of words that you can.
also be aware of your overall presentation ie line breaks and length.
i have done a quick edit of this poem, taken out some lines and stuck some in here and there to try keep a flowing going.
have a look and see what you think then work from there.
you done pretty good for a new writer , keep it up.
what is it you want from life
money,power,women,children
taunt me if you must but
what i want only one person can offer
she has seen me laugh, seen me cry
calmed me down and picked me up
taunt me if you must but
only one has seen the true me and not judged
watched me die a little inside each day
been with me through the good and bad
never once walked away
taunt me if you must but
who are you to judge
to tell me what i am or not
who are you to judge
to tell me what i am or not
you make the choice
taunt me or not
this is more of a guideline than anything else, i think it might be important for you to put your own words in where you can, it will help you to get the feel of things.
21st Jan 2012 11:38pm
that is a whole lot better then what i had now if i could just write like that
