deepundergroundpoetry.com
Empty
I’m so empty
I feel like I should be sad but no
I’m so empty
Maybe I should feel mad but no
I feel like there is a hole is chest, anybody know what I mean?
Just sitting here taking slow deep breaths
Something feels wrong but I can’t put my finger on it
Like there is nothing inside me
I’m not sure if I’m real right now
I can feel the hollow space in my body
I’m so calm
It’s sort of freaking me out
I feel so much pain right now
But it’s as if it was blocked by a valve
So I feel all this hurt
But it might not be real
I just want to sleep
I’m so tired
Do I have to wake up?
I feel like I should be sad but no
I’m so empty
Maybe I should feel mad but no
I feel like there is a hole is chest, anybody know what I mean?
Just sitting here taking slow deep breaths
Something feels wrong but I can’t put my finger on it
Like there is nothing inside me
I’m not sure if I’m real right now
I can feel the hollow space in my body
I’m so calm
It’s sort of freaking me out
I feel so much pain right now
But it’s as if it was blocked by a valve
So I feel all this hurt
But it might not be real
I just want to sleep
I’m so tired
Do I have to wake up?
Published 5th May 2020
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likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 4
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The author encourages honest critique.
Good start. The grammar needs work and the flow but you'll get there. You speak from the heart so you have the most important part. It's hard to tell something in such finite detail but I do try and you should too. I think with some work this would be a pretty good poem. I like it. The emotion and all. It was just hard to follow along because of mini mistakes that can easily be fixed. You can be a writer but think of telling a story. Make them feel the poem itself. Overall, I like it for the message but it needs a little work. Everything can be changed as nothing is perfect. Welcome to DUP.
5th May 2020 5:48pm
5th May 2020 5:50pm
It depends on what tempo you were looking at. I'm not amazing myself. They are better writers than me with decades of experience but I will try to help if that's what you want.
I know this feeling, you are dancing around it. Almsoy flirting with it, the very close relative to emptiness... numbness! I was waiting for you to name it.
I agree with the above critique, the piece are all there, you just need a bit of finesse. Maybe you’re still trying to find your voice, your style. You’ll get there. Keep writing,
I agree with the above critique, the piece are all there, you just need a bit of finesse. Maybe you’re still trying to find your voice, your style. You’ll get there. Keep writing,
