THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS

I was twelve or thirteen.
 
That was the day I crossed.
My initiation,
My passage: From 'innocence' to 'KNOWING';
From growing to GROWING.
 
Even then I did not understand.
 
But that day was my passage into dusk;
From 'boy' to 'man';
 
From 'prick' to 'COCK'.
 
It was a hall, I was a student;
A hall where we ate.
Must have been around seven or eight - pm.
 
I was singing heartily, With friends.
It was a round table.
Maybe it was their day of passage too
Maybe they have had theirs a day earlier; or later
Maybe a year, a month or two.
 
But that day was my day.
 
And while I was singing…
 
SHE WAS BORN.
 
"SHE"
"MY WOMAN".
 
It was LOVE at first 'conception',
 
For till this day I still love her.
 
 
 
But It was not my first feel towards a woman.
There had been a woman before
A girl
A child - Only a little older.
I was six or seven.
 
We would play, sometimes.
"SHE" 'INTRODUCED' me to IT: The PLAY.
I liked those times
 
But that day in the school hall was the first time I really NEEDED a woman.
 
"What would it FEEL like if "SHE" was 'watching' me right now?" I wondered, Curiously, as I sang.
It was a chorus
It was beautiful.
I wanted her to be watching me,I was at my best.
It would be for nothing - everything - if she didn't notice my quest to be noticed.
My childish zest.
 
"Notice me!" I prayed.
 
For what?  
I couldn't tell.
 
The song, I sang
I hummed, I yelled; the beats - I played.
 
NOTHING.
 
She was beautiful.  
That was all that was required.   Then.
 
 
She was seated somewhere to my left;
To my right? in front? behind?
If above or below was possible, I would have assumed that she was there too.
 
SHE WAS IN MY MIND
 
Even then I did not know.
 
I kept singing….
 
Till we tired.
 
Till I tired.
 
Till that night tired.
 
She wasn't there.
 
I was fired up.
 
And for the first time i felt EMPTY
 
She wasn't there.
 
The feeling was strange,
I had become different.
 
 
That was my night.
Of loss of innocence,
Of death;
Of the birth of nothingness.
A re-birth.
 
Something in me had been discovered
 
EMPTINESS.
 
An EMPTINESS only HER can fill.
A "HER" I cannot put a name to
A "HER" I cannot put a face to, still.
 
That was my night
 
Of the beginning of lust
 
Of the beginning of obsession
 
Of hunt
 
Of hurt
 
Of CRAVING
 
Of URGE
 
Of want
 
My passage into libidinous damnation.
 
And "HER" presence, since that night is still always felt;
A yard, a mile, before me
A yard, a mile behind
A yard, a mile in the physical
 
Many yards, many miles, in my MIND.