STS

standing in the doorway with your hands on your hips,
you are prepared to judge.
i guess i cant blame you
picking apart has always been your first instinct.
knocking down instead of building up, you’ve burned many bridges
and broken several foundations.
the foundations i spent so much time putting together, with steady, careful hands
like folding pieces of blank paper into cranes to hang on string from my ceiling.
you crushed them.
every single one, you crushed them.
you didnt do it intentionally but because i didnt speak up, you didnt notice.
you’ve never been self aware in that way.
its hard to accept when you’ve done something wrong,
i know this because its one of the many flaws i inherited from you, from both of you.
romance is idealized because of the way you love her.
she matters to you so much that you ignore and neglect the things you built together.
this family was built on things you didnt want, you didnt want me.
after my brother was born you didnt want another one but you got me, and i believe thats why you have such a hard time loving me.
that and because of all of the things we feel differently about.
a girl without support from her father is broken.
a girl without love from her father chooses the wrong kind of ‘love’ to replace it.
she looks for comfort in empty rooms and she looks for love in empty people.
she sees the light in the dark when the light was never really there.
when you yell at your daughter, you teach her a confusing concept, that love from a man can and will be cold and harsh, when it is supposed to be soft and warm.
it took me awhile to learn that the concept is not true. i went through so much pain because i thought that love was supposed to be painful. i thought that because i loved, and because i felt loved, that no obstacle, no wrongdoing, and no unfairness would warrant separation.
they teach you that it is wrong to cut family out of your life.
i could leave, never see you again, but i’ll wait.
i’ll wait because i know someday i will forgive you for all of the pain and the confusion.
but it won’t happen on my own. after forgiving so many times without apology, i am broken
and i am done accepting pain that is not regretted.
so until the day i can hear you tell me you’re sorry,
i will resent you.