a glimpse of my insanity

Why can't i be normal
just act like a lady
have a boring life
be happy just being me
constantly fighting
trying to get ahead of the game
never reach my goals
every day is the same
you wouldn't believe me
if I told you my story
if I bared my soul
in all its glory
I've loved and lost
I've had failures and success
I've been on top
and I've been a mess
wasted so much time
wish I could get back those years
id do things different
maybe avoid some tears
id enjoy the little things
not be in such a hurry
take my time
try not to worry
take more chances
believe in myself more
not be so shy
go out and explore
instead, I stay to myself
take the hard road
refuse help
and carry the whole load
worry myself sick
over things I can't change
miss experiences
cause I feel awkward and strange
ruin relationships
cause i don't like who I am
hate myself n beat myself up
over some worthless nothing ass man
doubt my capabilities
so accept mediocre
get tired of trying
give up
and start all over
I'm just mentally unstable
not right in the head
ruled by something dark
that lives in my head
I never feel normal
never trust anyone
want love and honesty in a relationship
but feel it just can't be done
I'm my own worst enemy
take myself down through there
feel alone all the time
but act like i don't care
what the hell is wrong with me
I sure as hell don't know
I force a smile every day
and never let my feelings show
emotions make me cringe
 I'm afraid of appearing weak
so I drink and do drugs
 go out on a binge
then wake up ashamed
but I still feel the hurt
so I do it all over again
someone, please tell me what to do
give me some advice
point in the right direction
so I can stop fucking up my life!