Me

I knew the concept of reading before I read
I figured out the concept in 30 minutes
A lot of stuff is in my head
I was gifted but yet sick

I had studies done on me
I missed a lot of school
So the gift they couldn't see
Instead I stayed unknown

I've told my story before
This is not the same
There is a lot more
That is left unsaid

I was never helped in school
I had terrible handwriting
I was just the sick fool
But yet I had achieved

Most kids will have a disorder and need direction
I figured it out myself even while on my own
I've always struggled with human connection
I never knew a normal childhood in life

I accept that now
It's a part of me
Yet I wonder how
I'm still here

That still isn't all of it
Abuse not just physical but psychological
I was scared of being hit
But yet had to fight for everything

I never was taught how to be a man
I was never taught the lessons in life
I never had any idea of a plan
I never learned what was right

I'm not the only one with dark pain
Pain that stays deep inside
We were hit by a hurricane
And struggled to stay afloat

I'm not looking for sympathy
Nor am I asking for the truth
I've already had many show empathy
I don't need that from you

In life, you get dealt a hand
I got dealt a pretty bad one
I'm not an idiot I understand
I'm not the only one with problems

I'm writing to say some things
I'm writing to clear my mind
I'm writing for the release it brings
I'm writing about my own life

My medical folder is a phone book
So many things I went through
Every single cranny and nook
But we all have issues

I struggled so much with connection
Struggled to find anyone to relate to
My issues weren't in need of correction
I just needed to know what to do

My issues aren't the illness at all
Some parts affected me
But that isn't what made me fall
Instead it's more complicated

I had medicine and went to places
I had tests all over my body
So many different diagnoses and cases
But what I needed was somebody

My parents couldn't help me
They couldn't help themselves
So strong, I had to be
I only ever had myself

My mom did fight against the known
It was unknown at that time
The doctors had to be shown
That I wasn't one of a kind

Other kids had it as well
They said it was ADHD
So many things they would tell
But to them it was a mystery

I'm not anyone great
I'm just a kid who was sick
That was my intended fate
It gave me a lot of grit

I have a strong will inside
It is hard to scare me
Sometimes I will hide
But from you, I don't flee

It's all in my mind
I will scare myself
Hope is hard to find
Especially within oneself

My life is hard to explain
Some are not very clear
Causing confusion in the brain
And the story you don't hear

My family is not like me
I'm unique in that way
Nobody ever helped me see
I don't know how to communicate

I think a lot more in detail
I'm meticulous with everything
I search within the veil
They only search what they see

I can't talk to them about things
They don't understand me at all
So many thoughts life brings
All of it stayed behind a wall

I am not upset by the abuse
I don't mind my illness
I've already signed a truce
But I wasn't able to connect

That's why I feel pain
Not the past I've had
I feel insane
Because loneliness is all I've had

Some will understand my reality
Some will miss the message I said
Some won't see the abnormality
Some will say it's all in my head

It is in my head that is true
But not in the way you think
There is a lost forgotten clue
Sometimes it's hard to find the link

I'm putting thoughts into ideas of mine
I try to find the door
I look for some reason or sign
What my life has been for

I'm lonely because I am too smart
I'm lonely because I think too much
I'm lonely because I can't start
So instead I'm stuck with it

Emotions are words that we write
We use words to help us heal
Writing is a way to fight
It's what we see as being real