Too Much...

My body hurts
Like all the time
Got nothing left
In this brain of mine
Running on fumes
Anxiety like spikes
Shards of negative thoughts
Shot out like daggers
Of a scared porcupine
I ain't got much but responses
Always responding
Always on edge
For the next thing to go wrong
Surviving from one bad thing to another
Here I am dancing on the ledge
Pretty sure I'm going to kill myself
But I'm always thinking that
An escape hatch
A door to open space
To a place without oxygen
There's no oxygen here
I can't seem to get it in my lungs
Gasping in fetal position
Terrifying fear of fucking up again
Again and again and again
Like sledgehammers to the fragile
Protective dome over my psychi
Over and over and over again
So close to just giving up
To just be some kind of
Anxiety spike covered creature
The chicken little who's sky is always falling
My nails are bleeding
My teeth stained red from my blood
I'm puzzle pieces without pictures
Eager and willing to be put together
But completely and totally lost
I'm a book of gibberish
Full of almost words
Full of frustrating attempts at explaining
It all away with each breathe
I don't want to be defined by anxiety
Or the depression eating holes in my brain
I didn't ask for raging CPTSD
Some people have a handful of traumatic experiences
But gods I've lost count how many I've survived
How the hell am I even functioning so well?
I'm scared to sleep afraid to see his smile
I'm scared to sleep because I miss him
I miss... Everyone right now
The walls are narrowing in
I'm going insane and all I got is pain
But I've been clean for two months
I can't relapse, because no one knows I relapsed
I feel too much all at once
My mind is a train heading straight for a brick wall
I am... Too much... Too much... Too much