Stings Like Fire

(To the tune of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire, of course)  

Butt, when it’s a hurting thing  
And it aches while crapping,  
Your situation is dire  
Because it stings like fire,  
You can’t sit down down down when its making you perspire,  
And it hurts hurts hurts because it stings like fire, it stings like fire  
 
(Announcer:  
Preparation H is rapid relief hemorrhoid treatment cream that can help ease the itching and burning.  
It reduces swelling and provides a soothing feeling with a protective layer to help you make it through the day)  
 
To sit and or even go bike riding,  
It’s a precious thing,  
But when you feel desire,  
Don’t touch, because it stings like fire.  
Check for brown brown brown in your drawers or you’ll grow big with ire,  
Make sure there’s no blood blood blood or else you’ll go haywire, you’ll go haywire.  
 
(Announcer:  
Do not take preparation H if you are already using other creams like Tucks, Fissure Control, Forces of Nature,  
Butt-How Relief, Avoid Rhoids, Anallabia Ease, Hemoshart Stop, Poop Recoup or Itchy Barnacle Balm).  
 
Rump, it’s a delicate thing,  
Careful when it’s happening,  
You don’t have to a crier,  
If you feel your butt’s on fire.  
Go around ‘round ‘round to the drugstore and inquire,  
You’re going to learn learn learn how to stop that fire, when it stings like fire.  
 
(Announcer:  
Symptoms may include polyps, pink eye, stink eye, stink finger, anal seepage, gout, pimp limping, pimp slapping, unexplainable need for crying, voting Republican, reading 50 Shades of Gray, strokes and heart attacks. Consult your doctor before using.)  
 
Because it stings like fire, it stings like fire.