Situational Depression (So Many Things Going on Right Now)

Deep is the mind,
Like the ocean you'll find,
But sometimes it's deeper than one thought,
Deep, dark, and cold, and fear fraught,
And what we access on a daily basis,
Is only the surface, we access.
We are like icebergs, floating on the surface of the Arctic Ocean,
We can only see the top layer of the psyche, just a fraction,
With the layers underneath, hidden, afraid to reach them,
Until finally confronted with them,
And not sure how to handle them.

Deep within the soul, lies a warrior,
Awaiting battle, hidden behind the exterior,
Away from the world, until the time comes to fight,
For what is right,
The right to be free,
To be who one needs to be.
My warrior is dressed in a suit of blue women's armor,
With the sword and shield of Mars, with freedom, ready to deliver.
He sat upon his ram, Aries, long locks tried back, ready to charge,
And of this life, take charge,
To bring courage, and liberation of the binary,
And freedom from the ordinary.

He waited until his world was ready,
As his battlefield was prepped, but he was and is afraid of being another casualty,
Another statistic,
Of hate crime, pessimistic.
And right now, my warrior is dead upon this battlefield,
Awaiting the chance to go and respawn upon another battlefield,
He has so much more to fight for,
And where I am, I can't even bring those things up, for they'd find these topics obscure,
And wouldn't even listen to me,
Just wanting to be free
To be me.

I am scared,
That for whom I have cared,
Will end up dead in my care,
And I would not have been able to to anything abut it there.
I know you watch with hungry eyes, Death,
Wishing to stop her last breath,
Hiding around the corner,
To prey on my grandmother.
If it is her time to go, then so be it,
Just please, not while I'm here, I don't want to feel guilt as if I could have stopped it.
Gods above, please let me leave soon,
Please let circumstances happen, where I can go home soon
...And stay home,
Help get her into assisted living or a nursing home.

I am afraid,
Afraid she won't soon enough get an aid,
And that my situational depression will be too much,
That I will continue to not feel like eating much,
And keep getting up in the morning to help her, and therefore sleep too little,
That I will keep getting weak, and eventually brittle,
That I will soon not be able to help her with daily things in her home.

And I am also afraid of when I come home,
As I get my life together,
And I come together
With my family,
My ever after, won't end so happily.
I am afraid if I continue with my plan,
And I come out as a gender non-conforming man,
I won't be believed or understood,
That they won't see any signs of manhood,
And will continue to ask questions about every little detail
Until I go back to my invisible jail,
Saying "fine, I'm a woman"
That I'm not a man.
So far, only my mother and my brother know about my gender,
Because I live with them, and know they accept me no matter what I feel is my gender.

I fear that when I end up living on my own,
My family will insist I have a roommate, but because I want to live on my own,
That I might insist on it,
And if I do, that will be it,
That will be the moment that would make them say "If only I had not given in",
Because that's always the turning point in true crime shows,
That forshadows
The grown child's murder,
For they had no one there to get between them and the monster.

My life is not ruled by fear,
It's just been made worse here,
I want to cry,
I have no motivation to do anything I don't have to, or even to try,
Everything she watches on TV is negative,
All the marital problems and crying, hard it is, taking care of an aging relative.
I am so homesick,
My stomach feels sick
From low appetite, from my anxiety and situational depression,
I wish to go home and creatively show off a happy expression,
Paint, draw, sew, sing, dance, craft, build, play games, garden, cook, etc,
(But I will say just one more fear extra,
The Arctic Ocean,
Deep, dark, and shock inducing cold, so many creature's that live in that ocean,
We really have no idea what all lives in that ocean.
...And if I were ever to go though that water,
I would make sure to stay on that boat or submarine, no one will never get me directly in that water.)