Dont you understand?!

I remember the smell of the Emergency room I was in when when I wanted my life to be over.
I remember the discomfort I felt riding in the car crying, apologizing for something I wasn't really sorry for.

"Im sorry that I disappointed you" but I'm not sorry for trying to end my life.

I was 15 the first time I intentionally tried to die.

At that age you don't understand that swallowing two handfuls of ibuprofen and aspirin and half a bottle of Nyquil won't kill you.

I was home alone that night. I was praying someone would walk in and save me from myself, but no one did, no one could.

I lied in my bed and cried as the ceiling started spinning,  I closed my eyes and thought, this is it, I'm going to be gone soon and i'll finally be able to breathe.

My foster mother came home and asked me why I was sleeping at 7:30 I told her I wasn't feeling well, got up to greet her and got sick on her floor. She told me to clean it up, we were going to the hospital because she had a camera and knew what I had done.

My heart sunk, I filled with anger, it didn't work, why didn't it work? I should be dead right now! I should be gone!

She called me selfish, she asked me what about the consequences of my actions, and about the aftermath.

 what aftermath? I wasn't supposed to be here! I wouldn't have to face the aftermath because I should have been gone!

Why don't you understand?! Why don't you understand?

When we got to the emergency room the nurse said, "one day if you keep this up it will kill you, but not quickly, not the way you want, your liver and kidneys will shut down, very scary, why don't you just reach out?"

Reach out? To who? My mother that pokes me and feeds my desire to die?

 My father that never even tried to get involved, dad im in Foster Care and im scared!! Im sorry I'm on illegal drugs and im spiralling out of control.

 My grandparents who they deceived me into thinking they hated me?

My foster mother who blamed me for feeling like there's no way out, the person telling me how I feel isn't real, you're a selfish girl with make believe feelings.

 But, why would anyone dream of being dead?? Don't you understand??
Why don't you understand?

They made me promise to not do anything to harm myself that night as I was looking for anything that could harm me.

I lied.
"Ok, I won't, I promise, I'm safe now, I swear."

Telling people make believe things, things they want to hear, is easy, they leave with a smile and let you go freely, it's when you tell people the truth that they become angry, blame you for the feelings you can't help and tell you that you're a selfish liar.

Why don't you understand?? Don't you understand?