deepundergroundpoetry.com
Valentine cutting
Not a long stemmed Rose; but a red ingot
and, simple Jasmine; I am besotted
and, simple Jasmine; I am besotted
Published 22nd Jan 2020
| Edited 23rd Jan 2020
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The author encourages honest critique.
I am a huge feng shui addict; and the ingot is one of the most important symbols in that practice, indicative of wealth - not only in finances, but spirit, health, and knowledge. Wealth in all things. It would be a wonderful gift to give someone for Valentine's Day!
There are a few things I could suggest here to improve this flow. You want the reader to slow down and enjoy this sentiment. Firstly, there is no division between thoughts—let's look at L1:
Not ( a ) long stemmed Rose ( ; but, ) [ a ] red ingot
The above not only separates and defines each thought, it also slows the reader down so they can enjoy each of them. I may not be reading this right, but it's the way I am interpreting it. Other readers may interpret it differently.
Not a long stemmed Rose—but, red ingot;
and, simple Jasmine; I am besotted
The use of an em dash connects two independent thoughts in such a way that it allows the reader to briefly pause, knowing there is a separation yet not disconnect. A semicolon does the same thing. Here you actually have four independent thoughts:
Not long stemmed rose - a red ingot
but simple jasmine - I am besot
I merely took your own words and defined each independent thought for the reader. Lastly, the correct tense of besot in this usage is besotted.
I adore this couplet - and your mindset regarding gifts, Slip! Jasmine is a beautiful scent coupled with the ingot is perfect!
There are a few things I could suggest here to improve this flow. You want the reader to slow down and enjoy this sentiment. Firstly, there is no division between thoughts—let's look at L1:
Not ( a ) long stemmed Rose ( ; but, ) [ a ] red ingot
The above not only separates and defines each thought, it also slows the reader down so they can enjoy each of them. I may not be reading this right, but it's the way I am interpreting it. Other readers may interpret it differently.
Not a long stemmed Rose—but, red ingot;
and, simple Jasmine; I am besotted
The use of an em dash connects two independent thoughts in such a way that it allows the reader to briefly pause, knowing there is a separation yet not disconnect. A semicolon does the same thing. Here you actually have four independent thoughts:
Not long stemmed rose - a red ingot
but simple jasmine - I am besot
I merely took your own words and defined each independent thought for the reader. Lastly, the correct tense of besot in this usage is besotted.
I adore this couplet - and your mindset regarding gifts, Slip! Jasmine is a beautiful scent coupled with the ingot is perfect!
23rd Jan 2020 11:22am
thanks Ahvanti it sits and is happy rearranged in its vase cut to display a gift for the mind through depth of thought
23rd Jan 2020 2:24pm
