I Will Live, Not Just Exist

I've pushed this part of me away
Hid it from all
Never sought help
Afraid of what might happen
Didn't want anyone to know

I have dark thoughts
Constantly wanting to die
Feeling like life is not worth it
Trapped in my anxiety
Worrying so much I make myself sick

I thought I was getting better

Turns out
I was just pushing it
Further and further down
Out of sight
Almost out of mind

Then this guy
Brought it all back up
And asked me
All the hard questions
I couldn't ask myself

I was paralyzed with fear
Anxiety
Worry
Anger

I didn't want to bring any of this up
I wanted it to stay hidden
But this guy was persistent
And now I realize
How scared I actually am
To face all of my demons

I desperately want to hide it again
Away from prying eyes

But I can’t
Because I am not living
I am just existing in this world
Life will not get easier if I keep it all in

I have trauma no one knows about
Things that scare me when I close my eyes
They haunt all of my thoughts
And prevent me from trusting anyone
Including myself

So as of right now
I am making a promise to myself
To not just exist in this world
But to face my demons so I can be happy
And learn to live again