"Time Bomb"

Your face is a book.
My mind your binding.
Your mouth sours.
My heart your poison.
Your lungs break down.
My breath your ash.

It's like I don't exist.
In a wasteland like this.
Am I even a little missed?
The low hum of the radio burns.
Like a mass of something churned.

The night we didn't talk.
I debated on taking that walk.

Light headed.
Weak stomach.
Heavy eyes.
Strong fear.
You built me up too much.
Now I'm falling way too fast.

Dangerously self loathing, feeling sorry for myself.
You're a magnet for people like me.
People who feel numb.
People who feel low.
People who don't get better.

And sometimes I don't want to.
Sometimes food doesn't sound good.
Sometimes people make me sick.
Sometimes I want to leave.
Most of the time?

I feel less.
I feel not.
I feel thick.
I feel clotted.
I feel dull.

When we broke up,
I realized how fucked up I really was.
How I had taken my muscles and repressed it all.
How I made you feel.

Does that make me a mutant to the human world.
And silly loose brain matter.
Isn't there a trip of some sort I can go on that makes me feel good?
Yes, the car ride to the hospital.

There are things.
I don't like to say.
Out loud to people.
But sometimes they come out.
And slip.
And fall.
Splatter to the floor as I stare wide eyed.

Deaf eyes.
Mute ears.
Blind mouth.

God, why can't I get fixed.

Why do I never listen to my gut?!

I'd never love a man.
I'd never love anyone but you.

But then I met him and--bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Just stop, try to stop talking to me.
You want to be friends but neither of us try.
Because you hate me,
I know it.
From now I on I will ALWAYS listen to those voices.
Because I know their mocking me.
Telling me that they were right.
They were always right about everything.
About him.
About her.
About me.
About you.
About everyone and everything.

Naive, I didn't listen.
Stupid, I didn't care.
Absent, I disappeared.

Damn it why did I let this go on so long?
Why didn't I just end it sooner?
Why?
Why?!
Why am I so stupid?

Childish.
Weak.
Needy.
Clingy.
Attention whore.
Useless.
Heart-breaker.

Phantom...
Go away.
Those damned splits and tears in my heart won't heal.
I wanted to walk away.
But the moment I did.
I fell off the cliff.
Just pushed a little too far.

All along I've heard this ticking,
and as I stare down at the cracks in my body,
I whisper a single word.

"Boom."