deepundergroundpoetry.com
Reminder
Just the reminder that I never did kill it,
that it still breathes and broods beneath my new clean skin.
That the shackles have been let out, not broken,
that at times, I will come back like the animal I used to be.
The reminder that I will, liberated, listen in the shadows of my room
for its heavy breathing, come to reclaim its crown,
to sit on my shoulders, weighing down weak bones.
Remembering that it is god, and I can only hear its call,
try as I might to mishear its bellowed commandments,.
It is the ever thirsty drain,
Try as I do to obscure its open maw.
that it still breathes and broods beneath my new clean skin.
That the shackles have been let out, not broken,
that at times, I will come back like the animal I used to be.
The reminder that I will, liberated, listen in the shadows of my room
for its heavy breathing, come to reclaim its crown,
to sit on my shoulders, weighing down weak bones.
Remembering that it is god, and I can only hear its call,
try as I might to mishear its bellowed commandments,.
It is the ever thirsty drain,
Try as I do to obscure its open maw.
Published 4th Dec 2019
Author's Note
Very much a work in progress here. Any ideas are welcome.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 7
reads 494
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Dec 2019 5:24pm
Damn, Harry. A truly honest profession. I rarely read the author's notes because I don't want it to influence the interpretation for me before I read. This lets me know if the author has the mark in what he is trying to say when I do. You definitely hit the mark with this one.
I want to honor your request for honest critique by offering the following: I think it would read a bit smoother if you altered the form to reflect a more poetic style? For example -
Just the reminder—
I never did kill it;
it still breathes and broods
beneath my new, clean skin.
The shackles have been let out,
not broken—at times,
I will come back
like the animal I used to be.
The reminder that I will, liberated,
listen for its heavy breathing
in the shadows of my room
to reclaim its crown—
sitting on my shoulders,
weighing down weak bones.
Remembering that it is god,
and I can only hear its call,
try as I might to mishear
its bellowed commandments.
It is the ever thirsty drain—
try as I do to obscure its open maw.
I didn't change one word; I only altered the form.
I want to honor your request for honest critique by offering the following: I think it would read a bit smoother if you altered the form to reflect a more poetic style? For example -
Just the reminder—
I never did kill it;
it still breathes and broods
beneath my new, clean skin.
The shackles have been let out,
not broken—at times,
I will come back
like the animal I used to be.
The reminder that I will, liberated,
listen for its heavy breathing
in the shadows of my room
to reclaim its crown—
sitting on my shoulders,
weighing down weak bones.
Remembering that it is god,
and I can only hear its call,
try as I might to mishear
its bellowed commandments.
It is the ever thirsty drain—
try as I do to obscure its open maw.
I didn't change one word; I only altered the form.
4th Dec 2019 6:45pm
You do have a talent for form! I'll definitely be taking this into consideration when I revise. Thanks so much!
-Harry
-Harry
there's a fine core to this piece i appreciate, hgn.
i'd suggest using the em-dash now and again, some semi-colons, lose a few 'ings', swap out a few words like so (just my opinions. i'm good with reps when they work for me as a reader):
Just the reminder that I never did kill it—
that it still breathes and broods beneath my new clean skin;
that [the] shackles have been let out, not broken;
[that] at times, I will come back—[like] the animal I used to be.
The reminder that I will, liberated, listen
in the shadows of my room
for its heavy breath[ing], come to reclaim its crown,
to [sit on]ride my shoulders, weigh[ing] down weak bones;
[R]remember[ing that] it is god, and I can only hear its call,
try as I might to mishear its bellowed commandments[,].
It is the ever-thirsty drain,
[T]try (a different word?) as I do to obscure its open maw.
i'd suggest using the em-dash now and again, some semi-colons, lose a few 'ings', swap out a few words like so (just my opinions. i'm good with reps when they work for me as a reader):
Just the reminder that I never did kill it—
that it still breathes and broods beneath my new clean skin;
that [the] shackles have been let out, not broken;
[that] at times, I will come back—[like] the animal I used to be.
The reminder that I will, liberated, listen
in the shadows of my room
for its heavy breath[ing], come to reclaim its crown,
to [sit on]ride my shoulders, weigh[ing] down weak bones;
[R]remember[ing that] it is god, and I can only hear its call,
try as I might to mishear its bellowed commandments[,].
It is the ever-thirsty drain,
[T]try (a different word?) as I do to obscure its open maw.
4th Dec 2019 6:47pm
These are great tips. Thanks so much for the advice! Revising soon, and this will prove most helpful.
4th Dec 2019 8:23pm
if anything helps you decide one way or another (confirming your own original words or seeing changes you can live with) then it's all good. bear in mind i tend to 'hear' most poetry in an english-accented voice which can be pretty different to american, stress-wise. if i know the person's voice, i'm more likely to 'hear' the poem in that.
12th Jan 2020 00:02am
12th Jan 2020 9:12pm
