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My MS. Universe
With the rays of the sun I'll make her crown
With the fabric of space I'll make her gown
With the rings of Saturn I'll make her throne
With the universe for her stage may her reign last forever
Long live the Queen.
Written by: Keith Edward Baucum
With the fabric of space I'll make her gown
With the rings of Saturn I'll make her throne
With the universe for her stage may her reign last forever
Long live the Queen.
Written by: Keith Edward Baucum
Published 4th Dec 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Dec 2019 4:44pm
I really enjoyed this poem, Keith. I thought your personification of the universe to describe her beauty was very creative, and wonderfully crafted.
Since you asked for honest criticism, here is my take:
The first 2 lines rhyme, and the third is a partial rhyme... So by the time I reached the fourth line, I was expecting another rhyme - perhaps you intended it to be this way, but here are the changes I would personally make to improve the flow of the poem... In caps. This is obviously just my own opinion - take it or leave it :)
---
"With the rays of the sun, I'll make her crown
With the fabric of space, I'll make her gown
With the rings of Saturn, I'll make her throne
With the universe AS her stage, may her reign FOREVER BE KNOWN
Long live the Queen."
Since you asked for honest criticism, here is my take:
The first 2 lines rhyme, and the third is a partial rhyme... So by the time I reached the fourth line, I was expecting another rhyme - perhaps you intended it to be this way, but here are the changes I would personally make to improve the flow of the poem... In caps. This is obviously just my own opinion - take it or leave it :)
---
"With the rays of the sun, I'll make her crown
With the fabric of space, I'll make her gown
With the rings of Saturn, I'll make her throne
With the universe AS her stage, may her reign FOREVER BE KNOWN
Long live the Queen."
4th Dec 2019 5:02pm
i actually like the change in rhyming structure. The first two lines are about your actions preparing the queen , while the last two show the queen assuming her role.
Well done.
Well done.
18th Dec 2019 4:56pm
18th Dec 2019 4:58pm
