The promise of a new year

 One day down and still no direction.
And I guess its true,
I am blinded by my own perception.

I wish I had some clarity, but I can't see through the mud.
Tricked into thinking those were good days lulled to sleep by the fun.

I don't understand,
I know I was not promised something easy,
but it feels like every breath that I take is the breath that will kill me.

This air feels toxic, I can taste it and I'm losing my my mind.
I cry because I'm HELPLESS, I can't help it, I can't help them.

If my mind was all I lost maybe I'd be fine, cause I find it in the mornings and wear it just in time.

It's when I remember that I've lost THEM and I've lost THESE and maybe I never had EITHER and they definitely never had ME.

That's when I lose it again and I'm lost and confused and covered in the mud of what it is that I should do.

So what are my options?
They are nothing.

 I can just sit here and take it, be emptied and dried, be broken and broken and lost in their lives.
And I'll lose it when I lose them and be helpless without being able to help.

 And everyday will be an illusion where I tell myself that
 "THIS is important, and YOU are vital, and losing yourself is worth it" for them or for Him,or for whatever purpose that will ease the ache that over takes me by end of the day.

And I'll breath in this toxic life and I'll try not to whine,
because nobody understands it anyways...
No, really, I'm fine.