being with

i.
Like the way you always flatten your hair to one side.
I would tell you a million times not to, because I like it messy but you like it flat, I would get so annoyed because you keep doing it.
I sometimes wish you'd never stop, so I can keep
talking to you in ways I am used to
as if there is nothing wrong with us except
flattened hair and I wish it could always be like this
so I won't have to start looking at our
huge, uglier problems that tear us apart
and rip away our routine and end us up like
hair on your bathroom floor
unwanted and ready to be trashed.

ii.
I remember the day when we sat in the upper floor of
McDonald's and all we did was laugh.
You were laughing because I was laughing, and I think you still don't know why, up until today.

well, I was laughing because I was so happy
to be with you.

There was another time we were at the same place
and we were laughing, too
but did you realize the hardness behind
my laughter?

I did, because it hurt me when I tried to smile
and pretend everything was alright.

The next day, you ate up my heart and threw it away
like all the tears that fell from my eyes into the toilet bowl of a shopping centre
that day along with throat-blood
and a broken shard from my heart.

It was my first physical injury
and my millionth mental pain.

iii.
I like it when we watch movies because we either
pay very close attention
or none at all.

I like kissing your jawline because it is
your finest feature.

I like trying to explain things to you
that are impossible for guys to understand
because it makes me feel like you are
Superman.

My very own.

I like thinking of all the things I like about you
because it makes me forget what you made me hate.

iv.
Like how your closest companion comes in pills
and powder
and you use it against me because you know
I hate it when you lose yourself in the smoke
and jittery mistakes.

I think about how I could run a thousand miles to
bring you back, but I might lose myself, too,
along the way.

But what if I was the only one
to realize that the air grazing an empty palm
is the most frightening thing
one can go looking for,

what if you were never as scared as I to be
lost?

v.
There was this one time
I woke up from three nightmares in a row
and they were all about you.

My mother once told me two theories of dreams:
one. they are the opposite of reality
two. if you told the person in your dream
about the dream
it would come true.

I never listened to her and told you everything
because you had promised to calm me down
when I was afraid
and I was afraid.

But if I'd known dreams could come true
like my mother said,
if I had listened, shit, if I had listened,
I would never ever tell you about the nightmares that
make me wake up screaming your name
because you left.