deepundergroundpoetry.com
Deep under
Nicotine fingernails trail billboard walls
down cracked concrete steps
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
daylight is absorbed on both sides.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos,
heavy handed from a dub step base.
he find a familiar corner and closes his mind;
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, ready to slip
deeper, under the underground again.
down cracked concrete steps
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
daylight is absorbed on both sides.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos,
heavy handed from a dub step base.
he find a familiar corner and closes his mind;
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, ready to slip
deeper, under the underground again.
Published 11th Oct 2019
Author's Note
Drinking during the afternoon in underground clubs where you are not sure if its night or day
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
11th Oct 2019 10:30pm
I always loved the atmosphere of those places - especially when you had to descend down steps to get to their underground establishment. Really felt the vibe of this escape.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest the following:
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble. <-- did you mean to endstop? daylight isn't capped. . .perhaps a semi would connect them.
I think dubstep is one word?
[H]e find[s] a familiar corner and closes his mind;
Awesome imagery.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest the following:
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble. <-- did you mean to endstop? daylight isn't capped. . .perhaps a semi would connect them.
I think dubstep is one word?
[H]e find[s] a familiar corner and closes his mind;
Awesome imagery.
13th Oct 2019 9:55pm
Really appreciate the help with this one Ahavati I made some late changes and had a really hard cut so your comments will help me tidy it up, to be honest im not 100% happy with it and I may put some of it back.
12th Oct 2019 6:25am
13th Oct 2019 9:55pm
12th Oct 2019 9:59pm
There is a lot to admire in your piece. There is no belaboring, it is streamlined detail, which paints a vivid portrait. I love the details, they are so potent. The ugly door, the way you personify it's sound as a mumble, is the essence of economy. A single word, that carries a strong atmospheric charge. In your second stanza, the life imbued into the metaphors of bar stools and beer mats, closing with the image of the head back sip, it strikes me with the kind of unspoken melancholy of the famous scene from A Clockwork Orange, where Alex and his droogs are sipping moloko with knives.
There are several tips I often pass to writers for improvement, but you really don't need them. The write is smooth, potent and breathing.
Welcome to the site. There are many talented people herein. If you'd like some positive and helpful feedback, please join us in the group Cafe Critique.
I am one of the three staff members of the site podcast. I would love if you would send an audio of this write to us, to feature on an upcoming episode. If you would be amenable, please send to:
undergroundoutloud@outlook.com
Please include your screen name and poem title in the reading.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Sincerely,
Daniel
There are several tips I often pass to writers for improvement, but you really don't need them. The write is smooth, potent and breathing.
Welcome to the site. There are many talented people herein. If you'd like some positive and helpful feedback, please join us in the group Cafe Critique.
I am one of the three staff members of the site podcast. I would love if you would send an audio of this write to us, to feature on an upcoming episode. If you would be amenable, please send to:
undergroundoutloud@outlook.com
Please include your screen name and poem title in the reading.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Sincerely,
Daniel
13th Oct 2019 10:01pm
Much appreciated Daniel, I know the scene well and it may have even come from there, he mind is a curious thing. I will try and finish the poem and get to grips with the technology bit and send an MP3 if that works. Thank you for the kind consideration.
