deepundergroundpoetry.com
No time to think
I smell you
...Monster
Its been a while
Your aroma fills my room
My body shakes
In protest to the grin
That slides across your dirty face
So Goddamn ugly
But you... smell, taste, feel...
So Goddamn good
Thoughts race
Eyes flash behind sticky eyelids
Black blood
Falls from my mouth
ears, nose, & eyes
You paint my body
Sickly green
Lungs. Filled
Clear clouds
Tearing at my walls
Your sting feels right
Better in my blood
Pulse to my brain
Tie
Veins bulge
Prick
Invade me.
By: Bethany
...Monster
Its been a while
Your aroma fills my room
My body shakes
In protest to the grin
That slides across your dirty face
So Goddamn ugly
But you... smell, taste, feel...
So Goddamn good
Thoughts race
Eyes flash behind sticky eyelids
Black blood
Falls from my mouth
ears, nose, & eyes
You paint my body
Sickly green
Lungs. Filled
Clear clouds
Tearing at my walls
Your sting feels right
Better in my blood
Pulse to my brain
Tie
Veins bulge
Prick
Invade me.
By: Bethany
Published 19th Dec 2011
| Edited 5th Apr 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
19th Dec 2011 10:49pm
7th Feb 2012 3:36am
This is very good. Although on the surface it is similar to your other poems there is much improvement. You've got the line breaks and timing down. We see it immediately in the pause you put before "Monster" and the breaking of the lines into the rhythmic invasion by the monster. In the last three lines:
Veins buldge
Prick
Invaid me
we get three meanings
1 The bulging tied off vein before you shoot up
2 You call the monster a prick
3 The monster is a prick with bulging veins so it is a rape.
Excellent. I guess it may not be "fun" for you but it is excellent that you explore it in a constructive way like this and you are actually putting together poetry that is actually pretty good from it. I couldn't imagine writing anything like this when I was your age. If you don't give up on the path or stagnate, then you could turn into a very noteworthy writer.
In terms of where you go if you keep up with the monster might be to work out the various aspects of the monster and try to get more specific about what part is doing what. We get many sides of monster all rolled into one
1) Monster is drugs themselves
2) Monster is someone who invaded you
3) Monster is your desire to do drugs
4) Monster is a desire to hurt yourself
5) Monster is your rebellion against a person who invaded you, and is therefore your strength.
There may be more sides you see to this since you have to live it and just get to think a bit about it. For your writing or just for your own mental sake you need to see that all of these are not the same thing, and there are plenty of things that can be pulled apart and explored on their own.
Veins buldge
Prick
Invaid me
we get three meanings
1 The bulging tied off vein before you shoot up
2 You call the monster a prick
3 The monster is a prick with bulging veins so it is a rape.
Excellent. I guess it may not be "fun" for you but it is excellent that you explore it in a constructive way like this and you are actually putting together poetry that is actually pretty good from it. I couldn't imagine writing anything like this when I was your age. If you don't give up on the path or stagnate, then you could turn into a very noteworthy writer.
In terms of where you go if you keep up with the monster might be to work out the various aspects of the monster and try to get more specific about what part is doing what. We get many sides of monster all rolled into one
1) Monster is drugs themselves
2) Monster is someone who invaded you
3) Monster is your desire to do drugs
4) Monster is a desire to hurt yourself
5) Monster is your rebellion against a person who invaded you, and is therefore your strength.
There may be more sides you see to this since you have to live it and just get to think a bit about it. For your writing or just for your own mental sake you need to see that all of these are not the same thing, and there are plenty of things that can be pulled apart and explored on their own.
