Spouses, Partners and Dream Lovers

I neglected the fantasy
when the shackles of reality
required my complete attention
to put the baggage
of a previous disappointment
behind me

We hadn't spoken
since I was asked to leave
and that stung
but despite all reservations
and the dismay of my current partner
the former reached out

Ignoring the initial communication
and secretly speculative of the motive,
it seemed I would never summon
to resolve this feud
in which I would always be the victim

But when things stay with you,
eventually action must happen
to calm the loop
nagging at you
that threatens future progress

In a move of maturity,
I revealed my intent
to the one closest to me
preferring not to hide
or cultivate dishonesty
in a questionable transaction

I expected expressions
to not be favourable
- and they weren't,
as present frictions
stole the focus
from the matter at hand

But I needed her blessing
to proceed
and allowing her the dignity
to mull it over
once the responsive emotions
could process the ask

Living with my pain,
and holding my grudge
coupled with the surrender
that neither of us
had the solution
to our current disconnect
or any idea where we were headed,
though not thrilled
she pronounced it would be okay

And so I had to act,
before the coward could return,
hoping the opportunity
for closure was still possible

Twelve years of non-contact
dismissed for an hour,
a civil conversation
swapping stories about our kids
scratching the surface of the journey since

I struggled with the lid on my coffee,
and of course, made a mess
and I was thoughtfully handed
a wad of napkins

There was no point
going back to analyze
a distant past,
although I had wondered
if it would come up,
because growth had occurred
even if it wasn't clearly visible

The anger had fled
by the first word,
a sigh of relief
that forgiveness was possible
and harbouring any resentment
could be an exhausting endeavour

I walked away feeling lighter
and without delving into the why,
I could accept that love sometimes
could only be temporary

And then the third women,
a mysterious poetess
capable of massaging my every kink,
dropped an unexpected message
that the neglect of my usual attentiveness
would spell the end of our correspondence

How quickly elation turned to regret
solving one conflict
to create another

If I had any inkling
that I could spread myself
to the meet the needs of another,
I now know I am sadly mistaken

And this is purely
on an emotional front,
as skin contact with anyone
has been elusive for over a year

I pulled the plug here,
a reactionary response
weak to the criticism
that I can still disappoint
despite my best intentions

But to be bottled up,
with no means
to express,
has proven to be
far more harmful
to my fragile being

I am sorry
to have impulsively acted,
you have bathed me
in the richness of acceptance,
and have nursed me
through a myriad
of moods and sensations

My growth
shouldn't be punishing to another,
and I am trying
to stitch these flaws

I will shine the beacon of love
to any who wish to receive it
past
present
future.