Need to buy a laptop

It's clear I'm a fool and I'm going to blame myself..

I thought you could be an honest man.

In the name of a father..

You made me believe you could hold up morals.

In the name of a father..

I am a fool.

You curse, neglect and throw away.

A year of my sons life.

The very first year...

You shit on it with your selfish pride.

Your ego fucking up all chances of a family life..

Your promised my son life and I watch you drain him with your wicked mood swings.

Your obsession with romancing and controlling all around you.

Never did I see what you would drag my son thru.

Another weekend you stomp your feet.

Leave us here, no call, no pick up.

Never do we need this dismay.

I spent a year him in my belly while you fucked another girl at your own dismay.

So fuck you if I dismay you.

Our life no game. My son no fucking pick and choose option.

I can't believe what I have to face.

You have no idea. No idea at all what it takes.

I felt sorry for you, I felt pain for you, I feel delusions for you.

I'm finding my worth and my sons.

I'm sorry but you mad your choice.

You choose to be un stable so I can't plan around a fun fair.

I'm sick of your twisted nostlogic conversations. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of how you speak of the kids. If it's so hard then leave but don't come back to us not after all the punch bags I've been having to try dodge.

To think my son would have to look up to someone who can only think with his dick and cares more about smoking away his health than enjoying whateever time he has.

We don't have time to be swallowed into this pit.

No stability. No hope. You leave us alone like some fucking game... Tell people I'm unstable and message my friend. I don't even see my friend they're partying, at uni, living there life, I'm looking after my son, decorating our house, loving our home.

I'm preparing to work to be a team leader, to write my books, to hopefully have my own business one day. Crazy dreams yes. But my biggest goal is teaching my son the world and compassion right now. That what's lacking. So God help me if I distance us and keep us happy.

Wrapped up in another world, you abuse us both and walk away like your some stud, your an actual joke, you come in my home like some freak I've never even known.

You wasn't there when I was giving birth, you wasn't there at all, so excuse me and I hope in the Lord I'm blessed in my actions.

As Lord how could you ask a woman to handle such dismay, such dishonour, such betrayal, it's beyond all rights in the universe. I should take my right and go live my life.

To beray someone and make them suffer, to abuse them over there past for no reason but your own selfish mind. Money money money your unwell mind. Anything to concur you sick desires.

You smile when I say take my money.

You laugh and you think pain is funny.

You've killed a part of me I never thought was possible to dream, I'm still learning, I'm still growing, I'm still understanding.

Guess it's a bunch on daddy issues but there not even issues I'm just soft and my dad had been in the army he was tough. I looked up to him. And I lost him for years. Its taken time to heal.

SO call it fears. I'm still learning how to be a kiss as mum, fight for my dreams. Excited to see what life brings.

The colours in my dreams, the colours in my seams. My mother dressed me in my cloak as a child my own delusions you was ever that bright, you steal innocence as a gain to you spirited finders keepers.

Turns out a jeepers kreepers. They say speak and go to counselling but I'm really past being told what to do and being nodded at, I'm find writing, I'm find  drawing, I'm find dancing, I'm find loving my boys, my family, this world, our history, the arts, music, I'm enjoying being alive.

That's all I want for us all. So mind me if that's all I fight for. Sickof let downs and yall thinking me life is some free for all. I have dreams, mountains and certificates to achieve.

Never have I met someone so pig headed. How to could do this. Its beyond me.