Annotations of the heart & soul... include self sabotaging anything that has the capacity to touch the inner chaos !

I’m back at my favourite cafe, having breakfast at 3pm because I decided to let myself sleep away the AM to catch up on the bouts of insomnia that leave me feeling fatigued and tired during the work week.  
 
It’s raining, and there's not much to do on a rainy day, aside from stay under the covers with Netflix. Though, there’s only so much I can watch before I start going cross eyed, and fall asleep with the cats coming to wake me up by gently pawing my eyelids.  
 
They’re funny little creatures !
 
Y’know, we could’ve spent the weekend hibernating in a cute little chalet by the beach, or up in the mountains to shed our skins and catch up on the years in between then, and now.  
 
Really, it wouldn’t have mattered where, just as long as I had the chance to sit next to you, hold your hand, kiss your gorgeous face, rest my head upon your shoulder, and exchange those longing glances we once exchanged; not for old times sake but for the sake of seeking & finding, for we could have found a rekindling of a flame that still burns.  
 
We could’ve went hiking and bird watching, or sat by the ocean and listened to the waves whisper it’s mysteries to us whilst making plans to come back after dark, and fuck in some place outdoors under the blanket of stars.  
 
Its those kinda moments of nakedness, with only the cold crispy air between us as our hot & hungry mouths seek to leave a mark upon one another, that resonate with me.
 
Moments, that are exhilarating before we make it back indoors and find solace in a warm bath or shower; shared together, as we giggle with racing hearts at not being busted, before nestling into each other in front of a fireplace or under the covers whilst reading to one another, or watching something on youtube or redtube.  
 
I could’ve cooked you a nice hot warm meal; whatever your favourite dish as I don’t do 2 minute noodles.  
 
Of course, all you would’ve had had to do was get yourself a return ticket, I would’ve taken care of the rest but you’ve chosen to close the door, and I’ll have to spend the Winter hibernating on my own.  
 
If you became too overwhelmed with my energy in your sphere, I could’ve dropped you off to see your bro KB.  
 
Sighs. I guess, it’s just not meant to be.  
 
My flame is the only thing that burns between us and I sit here at this cafe grieving the loss of things I never truly had, save a fleeting moment that meant nothing to another.  
 
The unknown silent heartbreak, and my tears falling are still being captured on the CCTV in this dark corner of the cafe, save the owner who brings me another coffee, touches my shoulder and tells me that this one is on him.  
 
He and his wife, Grace, are both lovely.  
 
If I’m working remotely from the office and don’t feel like staying home per se, I oft spend half a day in their cafe using their wifi link, and drinking all their coffee.  
 
I used to bring my children to this place for brunch on the weekends but the last 5 months they’ve not been in my company; and they don’t ask, and I never tell a soul as we don’t ever get that personal.  
 
I assume he thinks I’m grieving their absence but that’s not the case when I speak to them several times a day; sometimes up to a dozen times between the both of them as we each find our own ways to cope with the separation anxiety that’s set in between each of us.  
 
I like to think the last few months are preparing me for the years ahead; when I become fully acquainted with the ‘empty nest syndrome’ as my children both make their way in life.  
 
My daughter says to me not long ago “what are you going to do when Roxy and Madeline pass away... ?”  
 
they’re our cats, and I said...
 
“nothing, I’m going to purchase additional annual leave per annum each year, and go travelling overseas to places I’ve never been” and she said “but what if something happens to you, you can’t go to strange places on your own” and I said “sure, I can... I’m a grown lady now, my cherub” and she laughs and says “well, you can take me or my brother to protect you” and I smiled as my heart nearly burst open at the deep love I have for my children, in which they reflect back to me.  
 
I think it’s time to dry my eyes, and go for a drive but before that I think I’ll grab another coffee for the road... and consider my role in the self sabotage of finding contentment in my heart, through another’s touch.