deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sometimes...
Sometimes the fruits and cherries
Will wither back into their pits
Showing that their beauty can be stripped
Quite easily I may add.
Sometimes the ripened suns and stars
Preserved in their forever states
Will explode after shining for so long.
Sometimes the tree snaps in half
The impending storm bringing it to the earth
Letting it rot as insects devour it.
Sometimes I can feel like
A withered cherry
An exploding star
A broken tree.
Sometimes I can feel pain
Just like any animal can
And sometimes I can hide it
Like the very way of morphine.
Sometimes I can assault my heart
Leaving ugly bruises along it's exterior
Letting it's beats become irregular.
Sometimes I can love.
But sometimes love brings pain.
The pain turns into sorrow.
Which in fact turns into the rain
Washing down the gutter
Like it was never there.
But it goes somewhere.
Back into the sewage pipe
That I call my own existence
But whether that matters I'm not sure.
Sometimes....
Will wither back into their pits
Showing that their beauty can be stripped
Quite easily I may add.
Sometimes the ripened suns and stars
Preserved in their forever states
Will explode after shining for so long.
Sometimes the tree snaps in half
The impending storm bringing it to the earth
Letting it rot as insects devour it.
Sometimes I can feel like
A withered cherry
An exploding star
A broken tree.
Sometimes I can feel pain
Just like any animal can
And sometimes I can hide it
Like the very way of morphine.
Sometimes I can assault my heart
Leaving ugly bruises along it's exterior
Letting it's beats become irregular.
Sometimes I can love.
But sometimes love brings pain.
The pain turns into sorrow.
Which in fact turns into the rain
Washing down the gutter
Like it was never there.
But it goes somewhere.
Back into the sewage pipe
That I call my own existence
But whether that matters I'm not sure.
Sometimes....
Published 5th Dec 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 0
reading list entries 0
comments 3
reads 748
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Dec 2011 5:03am
The lack of spaces gives it an interesting freeflow feeling, giving the reader the option to stop and go wherever he pleases, but I think it hurts the clarity of the poem. Unless there was a very real reason you decided to structure it like this, you might want to consider adding spaces appropriately.
There was one line I feel could be revisisted:
Like the very way of morphine.
Now, I'd suggest keeping the idea the same, but simply rewording it. I'd imagine you'd agree with me when I say Morphine has it's place in that line.
I'm a little concerned about it turning cliche at the end, specifically;
But sometimes love brings pain.
The pain turns into sorrow.
I'd work on romantacizing those lines a bit, to make your poem more unique when pursed against several others.
Overall, good concept and imagery I can only expect from you, Chandler. Keep up the good work.
There was one line I feel could be revisisted:
Like the very way of morphine.
Now, I'd suggest keeping the idea the same, but simply rewording it. I'd imagine you'd agree with me when I say Morphine has it's place in that line.
I'm a little concerned about it turning cliche at the end, specifically;
But sometimes love brings pain.
The pain turns into sorrow.
I'd work on romantacizing those lines a bit, to make your poem more unique when pursed against several others.
Overall, good concept and imagery I can only expect from you, Chandler. Keep up the good work.
5th Dec 2011 8:37pm
I must say I appreciate your critique. It helps me think of how I will write next. Thank you very much Quandry.
22nd Feb 2013 1:41pm
Just throwing this out there, but I'm new here, and this is only the 5th poem I have read here, but I am genuinely impressed by the users' polite nature.
