Your Voice In My Head

Bury me deep
So I can’t see
How everyone’s living
Better off without me

Line em up neat,
In the backseat
Kept accompanied by
My own fears, indiscreet

Still a kid trying to keep
One home with one family
Naive; to be broken.
At night I can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep, though I’m alone
It’s dark and it’s cold.
Trying to find why your voice in my head
Is so much louder than my own.

Every night we talk
Your voice and laugh so calm
Even though that hurts
It breaks in through my walls.

I recall the hurtful words you speak
Basically calling me a freak
How did I ever think
Your friends could like me?

And the loving words you say
How you insisted everyday
Why did you lead me to believe
Then cut my hands off when I prayed?

But the physics of your hair;
I’m reaching for what isn’t there
I don’t understand but
It’s clear I still care.

I wish I could stop
But then again, maybe not
Because who would I be
Without one-sided romantic thoughts

And when I think about the master
of raising children in disaster
I see him linger in every boy I meet.
& I know they aren’t him; that manipulative bastard.

But my heart races
I can’t look at their faces
I know something about them hates me.
Hates me, they want to hurt me, I don’t blame them; take your places.

Spit on me, slap me, burn
But you know what mostly hurts,
Is holding me close
And saying nice words

Because no matter how much mess you cause
At the end of every fall
You could even treat me like my own father
And it would’ve all been my fault.