daddy's hand

 
I'm evading my feelings  
trying to get happy today
listening to "son of a preacher man"
"being good isn't always easy no matter how hard you try"
damned if I don't know it Dusty
 
I sit and turn these lyrics over in my mind
they transport me to a time when things made sense
were they easier back then?  
or does it just seem life was less complicated?
 
what did I know I was just a little girl then
as a teenager I was fearless
taking life head on
nothing scared me
now I'm afraid of the world
and I wonder when did I become so frightened?
 
I find myself reverting back to my childhood more and more
I want to go back to where I was safe
I mean I was always a wild child
but my daddy carried a mean belt
and he wasn't afraid to use it
he kept me safely tucked behind a wall of protection
 
I don't feel secure anymore
I'm terribly reckless
and my bipolar sees me delusional parts of the year
there is no security for one such as me
 
my daddy is long since passed
I was never afraid when he was around
and if I did fear it was for the one who tried to harm me
god I miss him
 
I miss my childhood
I miss the black and white of things
his word was law
no one lays it down for me anymore
 
there is no safe place for me
I'm a frightened child
in the body of a woman
 
my husband tries god help him
but he doesn't have a firm enough hand
I push...he crumbles
I wonder will I ever learn what's good for me?
 
I don't know...
I'm just a little girl lost
missing daddy's hand