deepundergroundpoetry.com
I want to Fly but...
When I want to fly she makes me crawl
Try to run instead a stall
Over anxious to engage every sense
Full throttled passion
She switches into the slow lane
Control that I lack
Immediate release has to be tamed
And the another day when I slowly arise
A torrent she offers
So intense I fear I might capsize
The evidence of the mess
Can be found in what you now read
Meter not consistent
Your forgiveness is what I plead
But perhaps upon reflection
Or even one person's faint praise
I will learn from my history
Make brighter future days
Yes my perception is she takes me
Like the four seasons everyday
And yet cost of the alternative
Is not a price I wish to pay
For the moments of our union
Transcend letters with the pen
And make me cherish
All affection that she does send
Try to run instead a stall
Over anxious to engage every sense
Full throttled passion
She switches into the slow lane
Control that I lack
Immediate release has to be tamed
And the another day when I slowly arise
A torrent she offers
So intense I fear I might capsize
The evidence of the mess
Can be found in what you now read
Meter not consistent
Your forgiveness is what I plead
But perhaps upon reflection
Or even one person's faint praise
I will learn from my history
Make brighter future days
Yes my perception is she takes me
Like the four seasons everyday
And yet cost of the alternative
Is not a price I wish to pay
For the moments of our union
Transcend letters with the pen
And make me cherish
All affection that she does send
Published 29th Nov 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Brother Jazz this piece is beautiful I especially love this part "For the moments of our union
Transcend letters with the pen" If I may, I think that what make for a wonderful relationship is the constant change, the ebb and flow, transforming, morphing always something new, the moment it becomes predictable its doomed to fail.
very nice
gypsy red
Thank you Jazz
Transcend letters with the pen" If I may, I think that what make for a wonderful relationship is the constant change, the ebb and flow, transforming, morphing always something new, the moment it becomes predictable its doomed to fail.
very nice
gypsy red
Thank you Jazz
29th Nov 2011 9:08pm
Considering my less the stellar track record with relationships, I should take your comments about the qualities of a wonderful relationship to heart!
Anonymous
29th Nov 2011 10:27pm
J, I wanted to repay you the compliment of your kind reviews on some of my own writes and I wish I could be more positive about this but the best I reckon I'll manage is to be as constructive as possible.
I see two things happening here.
1. Your determination to use rhyme and meter are taking over the poem and diluting whatever message you're trying to put across. Rhyme and meter do not a poem make!
2. The poem wanders into concerns about your writing instead of the power balance of your relationship ( the main subject of the poem if I'm not mistaken ) and ends up taking neither point to any truly interesting conclusion.
May I suggest you try working with some freeverse in order to avoid the distractions of trying to fit your ideas into a neat package. The IDEA is the important thing.
Try sitting down and just writing, non-stop, not lifting the pen from the page, just writing until you've COVERED the page - or 2 or 3 pages .Even if it's mumbo jumbo for the most part, if you do it often enough (especially first thing in the morning when you've just woken up) you'll start to WITNESS your feelings as written by your creative subconscious. That will fascinate you - and others. If the idea interests you, get Julia Cameron's book 'The Artist's Way' and do the program. It could change not only your writing but your life.
I do apologize if I've overstepped the mark with this. I don't mean to presume, only to help, which ultimately, I hope this might. My best to you. Red
I see two things happening here.
1. Your determination to use rhyme and meter are taking over the poem and diluting whatever message you're trying to put across. Rhyme and meter do not a poem make!
2. The poem wanders into concerns about your writing instead of the power balance of your relationship ( the main subject of the poem if I'm not mistaken ) and ends up taking neither point to any truly interesting conclusion.
May I suggest you try working with some freeverse in order to avoid the distractions of trying to fit your ideas into a neat package. The IDEA is the important thing.
Try sitting down and just writing, non-stop, not lifting the pen from the page, just writing until you've COVERED the page - or 2 or 3 pages .Even if it's mumbo jumbo for the most part, if you do it often enough (especially first thing in the morning when you've just woken up) you'll start to WITNESS your feelings as written by your creative subconscious. That will fascinate you - and others. If the idea interests you, get Julia Cameron's book 'The Artist's Way' and do the program. It could change not only your writing but your life.
I do apologize if I've overstepped the mark with this. I don't mean to presume, only to help, which ultimately, I hope this might. My best to you. Red
30th Nov 2011 1:16am
No problem...your suggestions point to a certain degree of sophistication or at the very least, effort which I haven't spent on writing awhile. That may however be the kind of focus that will serve me well if and when I get back to graduate studies.
Peace to ya!
Peace to ya!
Anonymous
1st Dec 2011 5:31am
i love this JAZZMANOR and as Gypsy Red pointed out this line is simply unforgettable
"For the moments of our union
Transcend letters with the pen"
"For the moments of our union
Transcend letters with the pen"
1st Dec 2011 3:48pm
