deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Poem
Alone on the beach, I pondered:
Ink needs a pen, a pen needs ink.
But what use is a pen without a hand,
and the hand without a mind?
And what is a mind without Language,
Language without an idea?
Ink without language, pen and mind
is ink - merely spilled.
Foolish poet - you think I am so constrained?
Alone on the beach, I wrote in the sand:
I am as a bottle of wine
made to be opened - and drunk.
The sun gazed hot, wind swept the beach
and the words that I wrote - were lost.
Ink needs a pen, a pen needs ink.
But what use is a pen without a hand,
and the hand without a mind?
And what is a mind without Language,
Language without an idea?
Ink without language, pen and mind
is ink - merely spilled.
Foolish poet - you think I am so constrained?
Alone on the beach, I wrote in the sand:
I am as a bottle of wine
made to be opened - and drunk.
The sun gazed hot, wind swept the beach
and the words that I wrote - were lost.
Published 31st Mar 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 9
reads 157
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
This is a fantastic metaphor, very philosophical!
One suggestion by way of honest critique, only because I tripped when reading:
But what use ( is ) a pen
I felt this was your best by far.
One suggestion by way of honest critique, only because I tripped when reading:
But what use ( is ) a pen
I felt this was your best by far.
31st Mar 2019 4:51pm
Thank you! It developed from me gazing at a bottle of ink on my desk. I will make the change that you suggested.
Anonymous
- Edited 31st Mar 2019 10:30pm
31st Mar 2019 10:27pm
Good call by Ahavati, but I would go even further and change "pen" to "either" in Line 2.
I would also like to suggest you replace "pen" with "quill".
My reasoning is, a pen is a device containing ink within it. But the ink is just ink. A quill would just be a quill. Combined, quill and ink would become a pen.
Do you follow? Then that would make one of us. LOL
I would also like to suggest you replace "pen" with "quill".
My reasoning is, a pen is a device containing ink within it. But the ink is just ink. A quill would just be a quill. Combined, quill and ink would become a pen.
Do you follow? Then that would make one of us. LOL
2nd Apr 2019 3:57pm
A quill ... hmmm. I like this idea because, as you suggest, the quill needs ink. I was thinking about my fountain pen, which certainly needs ink. But a quill .... I do follow. Yes. I like it.
I do not understand your comment about changing "pen" to "either" in line 2. Oh wait - do you mean line 2 of stanza 2? I think that you must, because that does make sense. However, it is the pen that needs the hand.
Even as I type, I am now I am wavering on quill. Quill might be overly "poetic" and pens do need ink. I am in a poetic quandary now - hahahahaha.
I fancy finding a feather and having a go at making a quill. Maybe I can find a swan's feather in the park. Or maybe a pigeon's - lol.
As ever, thank you for reading and suggesting.
SeaCat
I do not understand your comment about changing "pen" to "either" in line 2. Oh wait - do you mean line 2 of stanza 2? I think that you must, because that does make sense. However, it is the pen that needs the hand.
Even as I type, I am now I am wavering on quill. Quill might be overly "poetic" and pens do need ink. I am in a poetic quandary now - hahahahaha.
I fancy finding a feather and having a go at making a quill. Maybe I can find a swan's feather in the park. Or maybe a pigeon's - lol.
As ever, thank you for reading and suggesting.
SeaCat
1st Jul 2019 3:43pm
This is a great introspective!
But what use is a poem without ears, SeaCat?
Could it be that pen and ink and hand and mind and language and ideas are useless, where there are no ears?
Mark you, your poetry may be keeping your own sanity by ministering to your own inner ear!
When your poem is "gone with the wind," is it simply making itself your personal secret shared with no one but yourself?
Hopefully, your last 2 lines are not lost on me...
But what use is a poem without ears, SeaCat?
Could it be that pen and ink and hand and mind and language and ideas are useless, where there are no ears?
Mark you, your poetry may be keeping your own sanity by ministering to your own inner ear!
When your poem is "gone with the wind," is it simply making itself your personal secret shared with no one but yourself?
Hopefully, your last 2 lines are not lost on me...
Hello CabCool,
Thank you for your interesting comments.
You are right, a poem does need an ear, with each ear bringing its own (perhaps unique and equally valid) interpretation.
Perhaps the poet’s own ear is sometimes sufficient.
The final two lines “felt right “ at the time of writing, and embody an idea or feeling that I cannot quite express, other than with those words. A mix of longing, hoping, being unwanted perhaps.
Thank you again, and kind regards,
SeaCat
Thank you for your interesting comments.
You are right, a poem does need an ear, with each ear bringing its own (perhaps unique and equally valid) interpretation.
Perhaps the poet’s own ear is sometimes sufficient.
The final two lines “felt right “ at the time of writing, and embody an idea or feeling that I cannot quite express, other than with those words. A mix of longing, hoping, being unwanted perhaps.
Thank you again, and kind regards,
SeaCat
7th Jul 2019 5:22pm
You are welcome, SeaCat.
Notice I did not suggest any changes to your poem: I hardly think that is the prerogative of the reader -- unless that person were your invited/acknowledged coach, as in Poetry Medics, for instance.
Bothersome grammatical errors and insoluble ambiguities would be my focus, were I to comment in a developmental way as an "outside" reader.
I do not agree with your two readers who have suggested changes to do with "pen" versus "either" (which I still do not understand, anyway); or "quill" versus "pen." There is no need to deprive a poet of his/her personal idiosyncrasies/choices.
To me, the pursuit of meaning is what should count most of all.
Sincerely
cab
Notice I did not suggest any changes to your poem: I hardly think that is the prerogative of the reader -- unless that person were your invited/acknowledged coach, as in Poetry Medics, for instance.
Bothersome grammatical errors and insoluble ambiguities would be my focus, were I to comment in a developmental way as an "outside" reader.
I do not agree with your two readers who have suggested changes to do with "pen" versus "either" (which I still do not understand, anyway); or "quill" versus "pen." There is no need to deprive a poet of his/her personal idiosyncrasies/choices.
To me, the pursuit of meaning is what should count most of all.
Sincerely
cab
Cabcool, with all due respect - this site allows for those readers who wish to improve their craft via requesting Honest Critique. A member doesn't have to be an invited/acknowledged coach. And one should not have to join a group in order to receive an honest critique.
Those of us who do honor such requests with our time make certain the poet knows that with the exception of spelling and/or grammatical errors ( except intentional for purposes of dialogue ), critique is largely opinion. Our intent is not to derive a writer of anything; but, rather, provide alternatives that, in our opinion, contribute to the improvement of a piece.
We have been exchanging honest critiques with Seacat for months now. And I do mean exchanging, in that he reciprocates for us. Something we greatly value and appreciate despite his opinion. Which, btw, has greatly helped us improve our work.
As a matter of fact, on my poem 'Return' I took a piece of your advice and reworded that poem - I felt it greatly improved it.
Again, with all due respect -
A.
Those of us who do honor such requests with our time make certain the poet knows that with the exception of spelling and/or grammatical errors ( except intentional for purposes of dialogue ), critique is largely opinion. Our intent is not to derive a writer of anything; but, rather, provide alternatives that, in our opinion, contribute to the improvement of a piece.
We have been exchanging honest critiques with Seacat for months now. And I do mean exchanging, in that he reciprocates for us. Something we greatly value and appreciate despite his opinion. Which, btw, has greatly helped us improve our work.
As a matter of fact, on my poem 'Return' I took a piece of your advice and reworded that poem - I felt it greatly improved it.
Again, with all due respect -
A.
9th Jul 2019 6:15pm
You make some interesting points.
Pursuit of meaning alone is perfectly valid.
Those whose language is other than the poem's language might use a translator, which of course will result in the diminishing of some poetic devices and subtleties. Then pursuit of meaning takes centre stage.
Pursuit of meaning alone is perfectly valid.
Those whose language is other than the poem's language might use a translator, which of course will result in the diminishing of some poetic devices and subtleties. Then pursuit of meaning takes centre stage.
