Why Not Me

Dear sister            
my twin in no way              
so fucking good all the time   me hellbent on rebellion       You Miss Goody Two-Shoes, me always in the wrong         and you in the right              
             
Mom and Dad fuming              
while your praise they sing    so very tiring being told         to look at your pious face              
over the years of our lifetime              
I just learned to deal              
deep scars implanted              
the resentment so real              
             
how was I to know              
in worst possible time    
while I intentionally looked away  
on that damn rainy night              
God would take you away              
then in his cruelty              
I stumbled across the scene Red lights flashing              
road blocked both ways              
no ambulances to be seen     nor a medical chopper     
just cop cars and a crane   car on a flatbed with tarps    
so inside you couldn't be seen         
   
churning began in my gut      that sick cold feeling      
settling in  
never going away  
lingering sinister friend          
             
your purse dripping water  
wrapped in a towel on my lap    
brought by Dad's friend the cop  
(Still hate that coward)  
for to our parents              
he made me attend              
   
I stood there as he killed them              
knowing in that moment       their hearts would never mend              
they would forever look through me              
seeking you the favorite kid              
life moved on              
year by year              
everytime I felt a failure  
(Almost every day)               
I screamed out to God              
why not me you bastard              
she would've done this right    
   
A better wife              
A better mother          
A better friend           
A better _________              
fill in the blank              
             
they diagnosed it              
survivors guilt              
what a fucking lie              
who is surviving              
certainly not me              
           
thirty years on            
fate sent me a beautiful catalyst            
his pain caused you to bubble up            
   
from my hardened heart and through the thickened skin            
   
finally and finally            
   
with the love of friends            
and borrowed strength    
I finally face the pain  
long buried deep  
   
your blood the ink    
upon my page  
my words the horror  
revealed  
almost afraid to let it go  
for in my heart it's been sealed  
           
Damn, I hope you can hear me              
for this.. in life I could not say  
   
I love you sweet sister!  
   
   Only The Good Die Young