the beat of a heart while confused

my hands are shaking,
my fingers going a mile a minute.

my body is practically numb,
yet I can feel everything.

my mind's racing,
and my limbs are anticipating,
anticipating what?
anticipating something.

I don't understand,
I can't grasp it.

why am I stressing,
christ,
I feel like I'm confessing.

nothing is happening.
nothing is wrong.

but why?
why am I losing it?

the beat of a heart while confused,
it feels as if your body is running a marathon,
but despite the shaking,
I couldn't be more still.

everything is coming back to me now.
every heartbreak,
and pain.
every clean slate,
and game.

I said it before,
I'll say it again.
my mind is racing,
aching,
thirsting for something.

It's clinging to these memories,
searching,
sifting through them all.
the first time I broke down in front of my team,
the first time I felt ugly,
the first time I laughed with you,
the first time we hugged,
to the last.

my mind is breaking down,
it's shutting out.
instead of working normally now,
my mind is going back to when it last felt like this.

my hearts is reacting the same,
treating this moment in time and space like others,
but this is not like others.
this is new and old,
fresh and frozen.

the beat of a heart while confused,
its all the same,
except so much worse and better,
amazing and terrible,
beautiful and ghastly.

for my heart beats confused,
and I have yet to understand it,
and it doesn't understand either.

we are simply confused.