I'm just scared and finally admitting it.

I tend to hide my thoughts , just cause i feel like most people are simple minded . I also tend to hide real emotion because i feel like the majority of people are to shallow and prideful to show true raw emotion . I hide myself away from many reasons one of them being fear of rejection . Most of the people i have met don't take things seriously like relationships so its hard for people like me to truly show love , which brings me to the next fear Intimacy any and all forms of it from sex to deep conversations . In my head these are things i rarely allow myself to experience because iv seen beautiful souls broken , Iv been broken . And that's an indescribable pain i pray to not feel again. So i ask the hard questions, such as how do you know you are in love with me or are you in love with the thought of me ? Are you going to run when things get rough? What are you like when your angry? . Honestly i'll never know someones true intention with me . I believe that i love to much i love to hard and this world doesn't understand how fragile human emotions are how one heart break can change a face forever. I on the other hand am so tired of being alone i feel like i have a soul mate somewhere in the world but knowing my luck once i fall deeply in love they leave . I never know why they leave every.single.time. As if i wasn't cold enough . My thing is not wanting to die or sleep alone so ill keep taking a sip of the devils cup , ill sell my soul to know the answers that i so dearly long for . If only i had a soul to sell i feel like a dead carcass of a body with a wandering soul . Almost like i was brought back from another life and this is my punishment for breaking someones heart in my past life? Or do i die alone? I have almost died about two times and both times I have had no one beside me all that was there was the emptiness and stillness of the air and i don't wish that on anyone . No one deserves to die alone but for some god given reason i feel like i deserve it . Then here comes the intrusive thoughts . Again to haunt me as if iv forgotten the feeling of emptiness of what it felt like to die alone . Which brings me back to the question i ask myself daily , Is it because I'm hard to love? or am i not beautiful? however i do admit i am pretty plain. My hair? dark my eyes ? dark my skin ? pale as the snow. I am nothing special but i do feel emotion so deeply . I learned heartbreak so fast first with my father leaving , The one man who was supposed to show me how i deserved to be treated taught me than men cheat and men lie and that's just common human nature , men can't be monogamous . That's whats poisoned my mind from such a young age. Is it bad to want someone all to myself? to one day live happily ever after with my soul mate and a decent coffee maker? And again more questions . Why are people unfaithful? why is it so hard for people to love one person? I have never been unfaithful but I am naive i mean for fucks sake i literally had a partner get married and literally get another woman pregnant while somehow living with me . Never mind on being naive I'm just a fucking idiot . I'm just someone that wants someone to love and someone to love me back. but still i remain hopeful but honestly I'm scared .