confessions

anxious anxious  
my eyes travel nervously around the room  
debating  
should i?  
i know what's in there.  
so do the scars.  
we know what's hidden in the bottom right-hand bathroom drawer,  
cleverly masked in a make-up compact.  
it hides my salvation.  
it hides what i so terribly need.  
it hides my only escape.  
i realize how bad i need this.  
but first, i weigh the options.  
pros vs cons  
good vs evil.  
i decide to give in.  
i already have given in too many times, i might as well again.  
i rise and begin the short walk out of my room  
and into the bathroom.  
it feels like decades to me.  
i am a robot.  
mechanically, i pull the draw out and reach in.  
i take out the compact and open it.  
there it is.  
i take it out and feel the cool metal against my hand.  
i dig the sharp end into my palm,  
just a little sample of what is about to come.  
mmmhh.  
i retreat back to my room and sink down to the floor.  
i close my eyes and disappear.  
i let the blade lick my arm up and down and up and down,  
quick and carefree at first,  
but slowly it becomes more intense.  
euphoria fades and reality smacks me in the face.  
my mother: dead.  
one rip of my skin, slow but barely painful.  
she wanted a boy anyways, and i could care less.    
she's meaningless.  
my father: an abusive alcoholic.  
a single cut, but deep.  
horrible name calling. cunt whore bitch slut  
are hardly names for a young girl.  
ross: cheating ex-boyfriend.  
one two three four five six seven slow tears of my flesh.  
horrible name calling too, but not as bad as my father.  
and who did he cheat on me with?  
my best friend clare.  
clare: my best friend. i cut for her, but a small part of me wants to cut because of what she's done to me.  
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten.    
criss-cross  
this is gonna hurt. mmmmhh.  
eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen    
her boyfriend of 9 months,tom, broke up with her seemingly out of the blue, but i know the reasons behind it, and ross is one of them. everyday for her is pills pills pills pills pills and she's on the verge of anorexia.    
she, like me, relents to the call of the razor,  
but not as often.  
tom: clare's ex-boyfriend. a normal kid on the surface,    
but like everyone,    
he has hidden depths.  
one two three four  
each cut at least four inches long  
going down the length of my arm.  
he was betrayed by the girl he loved,  
and she hates him for breakng them.  
he, like me and clare,  
self-injures, but his weapon is a lighter,  
leaving smileys all over the top of his legs.    
smileys.ironic.  
but there's more person i cut because of.  
she's the other me.  
eva: the root of my problems.  
i dig into the top of my wrist,  
opening veins. blood rushes out.  
too much blood.
i'm so going to regret this when i wake up,
hours later.  
but before i fade away into unconciousnes, i think of eva.  
to put it bluntly,    
she's a whore. and liar.  
to everyone else, she's the good little vigin girl.  
the good little virgin girl who is going to wait until marriage.  
but i really know her.  
she's ravenous.  
all she wants is sex.  
why?  
to finally feel loved, maybe,  
but i don't think so.    
she just wants sex just cuz she's a horny little slut.  
that's all there is to it.  
her father was right.