Scattered emotions

Started in the ninth grade
That's when a person is made  
After it all started I was willing to trade anything just to get rid of the Pain.  
Not a fucking game , no one to blame .  
Feeling all that shame.  
 
It's like a train of emotion.
I'm living life flowing with the motion  
With all this commotion around me
I'm just trying to see through all that debris.  
Can anyone help me towards who I really want to be and just let free?
Life is just a game of trying to live and not be plain or a different shade.
I'm just trying to stay sane.
Someone once told me not to change..
So I'm trying to rearrange.  
 
Don't mess me up when I'm in a zone  
I have a certain tone that keeps me flowing in my room alone.  
 
Writing these rhymes because I'm in such hard times.
Now I can see clearly through these closed blinds.
Everyone has different views, different minds.
Some minds are crazy and commit crimes.  
I just hear the constant sound of chimes.
 
My mind is so flooded.
Judgements got me feeling more and more cold blooded.  
 
Living in the present  
Even if your thoughts or life are feeling kind of bent,  
I'm sure I can feel at home with many of them to some extent.
 
I surround myself with people I love and trust  
and that is a must.
There's a difference between love and lust.
People look at me with disgust.
 
I don't know why I have to stay high so I don't start to cry.
A constant reminder of beauty is the blue sky and under the blue sky is a world so dry of good people & full of people that lie just to get by.  
I write these flows and I do try.  
I scream out my battlecry.
Willing to die and knowing one day I will have to say goodbye.  
You must face your fear.  
Don't drown it out with beer, it won't help you with the war you're trying to conquer for all of us queers.  
One day it will all come through loud and clear.  
 
You can she'd a tear on the way  
But hey ,
Dontet that get in your way  
Please don't fade away because if you aren't trying , might as well be dying.  
But we're trying to keep our kind alive to keep our faces out of the news. Keep your heads up cause someone loves you.  
I'm applying myself and thoughts to these songs while doing so I'm ripping bongs.
I'm trying to right all my wrongs.
Gotta stay strong.
I've been in this struggle for way too long  
Not being able to be myself.
I was born in the wrong body.  
Most people are just worried about going to the next party.  
 
But sheesh , I can't wait to be free
My girl is so loyal I'll never cheat  
She sees me for the real me.
So get me on that T.
Testosterone is gonna be flowing through my veins ,
Relieving my pain.
Going to the gym,
Seeing all them gains.
Loving all the strength I'll be recieving.  
I'm sad on the inside
So don't let my smile fool you cause looks sure are decieving.
I'm finally going to be able to breathe.
Most people don't get it  
"How could you wanna be a man?"
"Aren't you aware shit is gonna hit the fan?"  
"People are gonna wanna throw you in the trash can"  
But my heart's in one place and my mind in another  
I feel bad for my sister , they're going to judge her.. all just because I want to be her brother.
I don't know whether or not I'm going to make it  
Shedding some tears and everyone thought I was faking it.
I'm losing my mind & I can feel my heart breaking  
Choosing to hide cause I can't feel anyone relating.
I got a smile but my emotions stay hiding  
I'm trying to break free  
Didn't think I'd still be talking about this at 23.
 
It's be a lie if I said I wasn't trying.  
It's daytime but it's like the sun's not shining.
You don't want what it takes to be a g.
You're so wrong if you think you know me.
It's the pain you don't see my eyes are wide open cause I don't like to sleep.  
But please believe me when I say I'm fine  
Just leave me lonely like you did last time
And only God knows when it's time for me to die.
I refuse to be shy.
Nicholas Alexander is the name that I strive.
Hes been my day one , never leaves my side .
He's the only one that just sits back and vibes.
Positive vibrations.
I'm living in a fucked up situation.
I know who I am and this is where I stand.