deepundergroundpoetry.com
Just a rant
So distant from my fellow man I am.
Walking through reality, I feel like a sham.
Not a carrier of confidence,
only a nobody noticing this nervousness.
Still lingering within me,
silently suffocating my self worth,
Is the ever present feeling of social anxiety stemming from excessive thinking and extremely low self esteem.
My demon, the destroyer of my world.
Something I've truly not been able to unlearn.
Something that I yearn
to erase completely from my psyche.
Something that has followed me for my whole life. Causing
so much internal strife.
Secluding myself slowly from anyone I've ever known,
not to many people.
Truly a loner.
Becoming a recluse.
In a constant state of self reflection and intense introspection.
Casting me into obscurity.
Although I love my me time,
which ironically, is ALL my time.
Consumed mostly by work,
where I am, you guessed it,
Alone.
Doing yoga alone, which is amazing actually.
Playing guitar alone, having never found anyone to jam with, not that I ever looked.
Writing poetry, a true sanctuary in space and time.
Smoking marijuana, daily.
Occasionally with 2 or 3 friends 1 of which I've known for 7 years.
Increasingly becoming more and more introverted,
catching myself feeling deserted
from the choices I've made.
I've always shattered my own self esteem.
A strange state of self obsession slowly Secluding me from society.
I've always felt most comfortable alone.
Even to this present moment I don't feel comfortable around people, be it strangers or family members.
Always self analyzing my behavior, thinking that I'm talking strangely or moving oddly or just looking weird.
I find myself loathing social interaction.
These thoughts are such a distraction.
Deep down I do love being alone and I have made alot of progress, creatively as well as spiritually.
But at times I find myself feeling
so alienated.
With very minimal human connections.
It's strange feeling so connected to the universe in it's entirety and yet, at the same time Feeling so disconnected and alienated from my own species.
Walking through reality, I feel like a sham.
Not a carrier of confidence,
only a nobody noticing this nervousness.
Still lingering within me,
silently suffocating my self worth,
Is the ever present feeling of social anxiety stemming from excessive thinking and extremely low self esteem.
My demon, the destroyer of my world.
Something I've truly not been able to unlearn.
Something that I yearn
to erase completely from my psyche.
Something that has followed me for my whole life. Causing
so much internal strife.
Secluding myself slowly from anyone I've ever known,
not to many people.
Truly a loner.
Becoming a recluse.
In a constant state of self reflection and intense introspection.
Casting me into obscurity.
Although I love my me time,
which ironically, is ALL my time.
Consumed mostly by work,
where I am, you guessed it,
Alone.
Doing yoga alone, which is amazing actually.
Playing guitar alone, having never found anyone to jam with, not that I ever looked.
Writing poetry, a true sanctuary in space and time.
Smoking marijuana, daily.
Occasionally with 2 or 3 friends 1 of which I've known for 7 years.
Increasingly becoming more and more introverted,
catching myself feeling deserted
from the choices I've made.
I've always shattered my own self esteem.
A strange state of self obsession slowly Secluding me from society.
I've always felt most comfortable alone.
Even to this present moment I don't feel comfortable around people, be it strangers or family members.
Always self analyzing my behavior, thinking that I'm talking strangely or moving oddly or just looking weird.
I find myself loathing social interaction.
These thoughts are such a distraction.
Deep down I do love being alone and I have made alot of progress, creatively as well as spiritually.
But at times I find myself feeling
so alienated.
With very minimal human connections.
It's strange feeling so connected to the universe in it's entirety and yet, at the same time Feeling so disconnected and alienated from my own species.
Published 18th Dec 2018
Author's Note
A rant about my struggle with social anxiety
"I'm disappearing, avoiding most things." - Syd Barrett
"I'm disappearing, avoiding most things." - Syd Barrett
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Dec 2018 11:39pm
dearest Hunter I have social anxiety too
but we have each other here...
I actually got up the courage to read one of my poems
in front of published writers at the art center here in town
they were all accomplished people while I'm a schizo with the need to write
I even told one of the writers where I post
in hopes, he would tell me the way to submit to publishing houses...
now I feel terribly vulnerable like he's going through my library here
and will ultimately reject me...
sorry for my own rant I'm just trying to let you know I get it
we are loners we figure we will be rejected
so we don't put ourselves out there...
solid write dearest Hunter
you are not alone here...
love Brenda ❤
but we have each other here...
I actually got up the courage to read one of my poems
in front of published writers at the art center here in town
they were all accomplished people while I'm a schizo with the need to write
I even told one of the writers where I post
in hopes, he would tell me the way to submit to publishing houses...
now I feel terribly vulnerable like he's going through my library here
and will ultimately reject me...
sorry for my own rant I'm just trying to let you know I get it
we are loners we figure we will be rejected
so we don't put ourselves out there...
solid write dearest Hunter
you are not alone here...
love Brenda ❤
19th Dec 2018 2:11am
Thank you so much Brenda for this amazing heartfelt comment I appreciate this rant🙏
And don't worry I'm sure if he reads any of your pieces he will be blown away
I very much appreciate your inspiring words Brenda🙏 Thanks so much!
And don't worry I'm sure if he reads any of your pieces he will be blown away
I very much appreciate your inspiring words Brenda🙏 Thanks so much!
21st Dec 2018 5:46am
It is refreshing to read honesty from the soul. I believe we are our own worst critic. Only then can we allow humility as part of acceptance of altering the parts of our subconscious to simply accept who we are.
