A vow

 


I'm sorry, at times it may seem like I'm distant
Like I'm a million miles away
In an untouchable place
And you say "Case... what's the matter with you..?"
"You never call anymore"
"You never stop by, your mother and I are worried"
"Are you okay, son?"
The last question is always the hardest to answer with honesty
I've told a lie with every reply
These words have been pressed into my lips
Without giving thought, the truth dismissed by
"Yes... I'm fine... I'm okay"
"No need to worry, its just another day"
Another day where the night I spent
Waking from nightmares from back in the day
Where my dad could stand and walk
My mother not crippled by depression
My brothers... still little...
And I still had my best friend...
In a trailer not so far away
Before my grandmother passed
Before a man literally took our home
And tore it to the ground
Before I forgot how to forgive those who've done me wrong
Before I found the spoken word
Before I realized how bad love can hurt you
Before I learned friends won't always have your best interests in mind

I've grown a lot since then
But I'm still haunted to this day and I
Haven't let go of my childish tendencies
To put things on the back burner and wait just another day
And that day never comes...
I vow... that day will come
That's what she said

I vow I will recover
Reignite passion, have thunder and fire
Coursing through desolate veins
Creating veins of gold and platinum
Used only to craft the finest of things
I swear to step back and align
What I once let define
In my mind, the worst aspects I that authorized
Let deprive and resign me of pride
Placing distance between those beloved and I
Lay to rest the regrets, finding peace in this life
That I've made and accept the past is a path already paved
No use looking back unless the lesson's been learned
Yesterday is a page that has already turned
The chapters ahead have yet to be wrote
Like embers awaiting a hearth to be stoked
Flood life back with light that's severely choked
Pen apologies planned but yet to be spoke

And in my ignorance I pushed out the most important things in life
Family, friends, self worth
Replaced with isolation, paranoia, and self hate
Rotting alone in a room consumed by self inflicted misery
Thinking I can conquer what has conquered the likes of
Chester Bennington, Ronnie Edwards, and Robin Williams
I don't want my name to rest amongst them
Unless it's by greatness...

This has been the greatest struggle of my life
I acknowledge the worst thing you can do is distance yourself from those beloved
And I... have done exactly that
I owe it to my family... my friends... my life...
To be better
To do better
To recover
I vow