deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Path
Today the leaves howl murder
on my walk to Ibis Lane
fresh corpses scream from puddles
bare willows weep in vain
As the storm reforms the river's
seagull huddled bank
eels burrow for the deepest mud
sheltering by rank
With Hammersmith obscured
and joggers taking cover--
I've decided to abort the child
but please, don't tell your mother.
on my walk to Ibis Lane
fresh corpses scream from puddles
bare willows weep in vain
As the storm reforms the river's
seagull huddled bank
eels burrow for the deepest mud
sheltering by rank
With Hammersmith obscured
and joggers taking cover--
I've decided to abort the child
but please, don't tell your mother.
Published 3rd Nov 2011
| Edited 28th Feb 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 11
reads 772
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Nov 2011 10:13pm
I'd be curious to know where the humor (even if it's dark) lies in a poem about abortion. But sometimes too much metaphor can get in the way so I've tweaked out some of the ambiguity and provided more clarity in the last line.
Best ~ Abra
Best ~ Abra
4th Nov 2011 11:30am
Abra your piece does not clearly identify as a poem about abortion, So it is open for the interpretation of the reader and the way this piece is worded it can lend itself to more than one interpretation. Without the background inspiration for this piece it reads humorously.
Sorry if iI missed the concept, did not mean to offend.
Gypsy red
Sorry if iI missed the concept, did not mean to offend.
Gypsy red
I've just edited my previous (& the poem) so you'll need to read back one^
No offence taken whatsoever, all feedback is vauable & useful when I come to assess the impact of my writing.
I was attempting to paint the sadness of a girl arriving at her big decision, walking by the river in an Autumn storm, which is why I queried your initial comment.
There's maybe too much depth to this, perhaps the clues are too obscure (for instance the ibis has
fertility connotations) & I was asking too much of my reader - not enough bones on the flesh!
But I am grateful to you for helping me towards that insight.
Best ~ Abra
No offence taken whatsoever, all feedback is vauable & useful when I come to assess the impact of my writing.
I was attempting to paint the sadness of a girl arriving at her big decision, walking by the river in an Autumn storm, which is why I queried your initial comment.
There's maybe too much depth to this, perhaps the clues are too obscure (for instance the ibis has
fertility connotations) & I was asking too much of my reader - not enough bones on the flesh!
But I am grateful to you for helping me towards that insight.
Best ~ Abra
4th Nov 2011 2:12pm
"maybe too much depth to this" Not at all Abra, If I may, the depth is not the problem it's the substance, if that's the right word, this piece is "ethereal feeling" as someone who HAS walked "The Path" personally, your missing some of the individual feelings associated with this issue. I don't know if I am expressing myself correctly.I hope you can understand me.
Gypsy red
This piece was beautifully worded.
Gypsy red
Gypsy red
This piece was beautifully worded.
Gypsy red
Anonymous
4th Nov 2011 5:16pm
A delicious slice of dark comedy. The rhyme scheme works well and the horror you inflict on the leaves is inspired. A simple walk becomes like traipsing through a battlefield, surrounded by mortally wounded soldiers. Thanks for the read, Abra.
4th Nov 2011 5:56pm
...to get you thinking deeply. Appreciate your feedback, Jack - thanks for the comment.
Anonymous
10th Apr 2014 5:52pm
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27th Feb 2015 6:03pm
27th Feb 2015 10:13pm
27th Feb 2015 10:16pm
