Admissions

Admissions

1
As my heart struggles to continue beating,
it’s time for me to open up and write a poem that I’ve been contemplating
to express the despair I feel every second of the day from the deep internal pain I feel that’s constantly repeating.
There are reasons that the words used in my poetry are my heart and soul constantly bleeding.
I feel my words are a cry for help and I’m constantly screaming,
because I fear, but slowly growing accepting, that one day soon I will no longer be breathing.
It may be the only way for I to begin healing,
since everything else I try fails and keeps my life from proceeding.
The only time I’m happy is when I’m dreaming,
even when I’m being attacked by the demons I’m constantly writing of and speaking.
Life is a lot less painful when I’m sleeping.
I’m not trying so hard to discover the answers I’m constantly seeking
to stop my mind from constantly shrieking.
My words are not meant to be misleading
and I hope that you find them intriguing,
because one day I will no longer be around, now that is worth believing,
and all my work left behind will be yours to digest slowly through eating.

2
I don’t believe that I have ever felt true happiness before.
I want to feel it, even just once every day more and more.
I’ve felt moments of happiness but nothing sustained for long.
I’m not being over dramatic and my words are certainly not wrong.
A crushing darkness has been caste over me my entire life.
It’s the main reason I will never be able to find a wife.
I’ve always felt odd and out of place.
Every day has been a struggle even though I don’t show it on my face.
I feel that no one has truly understood me.
No one can imagine the pain I feel every second of the day and to what degree.
I feel like a loser and a failure in life.
It’s probably why I’m considering ending my life with a knife.
A shocking statement to make but one that is true.
Unfortunately, no one will ever care, not even when in the face I’m blue.

3
I’ve looked up and admired my father my entire life,
the same way I’ve looked up to and admired my mother, his wife.
He learned to play the guitar and played in many bands throughout the years.
He was quiet and humble and never showed any fear.
He faced many difficulties and overcame all of them while making it look easy.
He always kept himself busy.
While working a full-time job, he still found the time to play in a band and lead a church.
He was the president of the congregation and lead the last pastor search.
That same pastor was the one who did his funeral.
His sermon was heart felt, beautiful and suitable.
Pastors from all over the area showed up for the funeral.
Besides them, a lot of people showed up in general.
He lost a career that he liked and had for many years.
That was a stinging loss that brought to his eyes a few tears,
but he bounced back and attained a new career that he loved up until he day of his death.
He was at that job when he took his final breath.
He lived a full life and accomplished so many great things.
He’s up in Heaven now being treated like a king.
If only I could live up to his legacy and standards he set.
Maybe then, true happiness would be the award I would get.

This is why I feel like a failure.
This is why I’m losing God’s favor.
My heroes in life set the bar high for me to live up to.
I never can and that’s why I hope God strikes me down with a severe case of the flu.
All I’ve accomplished is jumping around from job to job every couple years, unhappy with every one of them.
I haven’t even learned how to play the guitar or even learn how to drum.
I graduated with a nice degree that hasn’t provided me with anything of substance.
I need to set a new course for my life but I have no idea how to make any adjustments.
Every step forward is instantly met with five steps back.
No wonder I feel like I’m beginning to crack.
I’ve written a lot of poetry and stories that no one gives a shit about.
So much for writing ever being my big break out.
I’m better off becoming an alcoholic and constantly blacking out.
At least I can drown out all of my pain and self-doubt.
I’ve done some moderate traveling and seen some cool things that doesn’t impress anyone.
I’ve gone too far too many concert and found them to be fun,
but once again, no one is impressed.
Everyone looks at the bands I go to see and judges to music I listen to and assumes that’s why up in my head I’m such a mess.
I haven’t done anything big or exciting with my life.
Probably never will at the rate this is going.

Since my father died, my heart has struggled to beat.
My soul is shattered and far from being complete.
My will to live is on life support.
One of the only persons in life who believed in me set sail without me and left me stranded at the port.
I’m reading books to deal with grief,
but grief is hard to deal with when I’m struggling with my faith.
I pray to God every day to help me,
but I feel he may have forsaken me.
I look to him for guidance but my prayers go unanswered.
My soul cries out to him because it is badly battered.
When will life start to go my way?
Probably when my body is turned to clay.
Death seems to be the only way for me to discovered true happiness.
Hopefully God will forgive me for all of my naughtiness.

4
Loneliness is becoming an issue I’m struggling to treat.
Overcoming it will be quite the feat.
I lost my partner in crime of five years.
It’s a move that has provided me with many cheers and many tears.
Many of my fondest memories in life are with her by my side.
I’m afraid to admit that I miss her since that would hurt my pride,
but I’m not one known to lie.
I will cherish the great times we shared together until the day I die.
We went to Chicago together for a three-day music festival.
We had a blast remaining sober unlike many who had to turn to chemicals.
We drove to Miami together and went on a cruise.
The drive down alone was worth the trip and was far from a snooze.
Stopping in Chattanooga to see Ruby Falls,
was one great call.
Traveling to Key West and the Bahamas on a beautiful ship,
are memories that will last a life time and will always be with me even when the world is falling apart around me and I’m losing my grip.
Taking a road trip to Key West, Cocoa Beach and Orland this year to end our relationship was the perfect way to end things.
It was hard saying goodbye to you, it really pulled my heart strings.
Having this perfect trip right at the end ending things in peace.
May our friendship survive and never cease.
I raised your daughter as my own for five years.
She still views me as her father and always will, that is clear.
Raising her as my own is my single proudest accomplishment in life.
I can go to my grave knowing I gave her my heart and soul as I did to you, even know it didn’t work out and I was unable to make you my wife.
I know my family is proud of me for the job I did as a father,
and continue to do despite the face I no longer live with her and her mother.
Living alone has been difficult on me.
It’s not how I imaged things would be.
I only have a few close friends and hope to make a few more.
I’m tired of feeling like just breathing every day is such a fucking chore.
I’m not sure what life still has in store,
but hopefully one day I will meet another great woman I can fall for.

5
I’ve never believed in mental illness.
Always thought the truth behind depression as something much more vicious.
I always thought that the cause of depression was more on the spiritual side,
not having God in your life when you are on a down slide.
Now I think I may be going crazy.
My thoughts are chaotic and I’m starting to get lazy.
My mind races every day and always thinks the worst of every situation.
I’m never happy with life and think I’ll be better killing myself off and facing damnation.
Can’t find a career to be happy with.
Can’t find a relationship to be happy with.
Can’t seem to find any job in life.
Can’t seem to do anything right.
I feel like an outcast destined to be alone.
I just wish one person would pick up their phone,
give me a call to see how the fuck I’m doing.
Inside of me a storm is brewing.
I’m afraid it will be on display for you all soon for your own public viewing.
I really do hope that soon I will begin improving.
I just want to be happy and satisfied with life.
Please God don’t let me fall victim to the knife.