in love with the idea of nothing (nothing makes sense)

if you bothered to read up on the 5 signs of depression,
you’d know i’m about a fingersnap away from killing my face
ending my non-existent place
One : i’ve been fucking lonely for 18 years baby
can’t say it eloquently or laced with irony anymore

Two : i can’t think a good thought without the numbness droning on
creating a static hole in my brain that only idealized television love can fill
or the pretty little pathetic dreams of a famous witty me
infecting the sad masses with the charms of the Beatles in ‘65
finally then and only then i’ll mean something even if i still wanna die
you only see the parts i want you to
you only hear the words i cherry picked for your ears  

Three : i don’t care about my empty head or the way you fucked your boyfriend spread
in the back of a car, it’s not pretty and i’ll never grasp that
i’ll never feel close to primal like that
i’m not human, i want to float out of my body like a shapeless ghost of my mind
no more skin or bone to rot uncomfortably in
no more face or chest to feel ugly in
they’ll probably judge me on the wrinkles of my brain though
i’m still starving for your touch, go away now slow

Four : i disassociate straight into space and behind my mirror
into another life, a fantasy reality built from nothing at all
i wonder how you think and act like everything is fine, everything is here
it’s not but it is, i don’t know what’s real
i have to play pretend now and forever

Five : i can’t talk like you do
without barrier, without consequence
i’m not in a manic pixie mood today and i’m sorry i can’t thrill you now  
don’t come up to me, i can’t fix me  
and everything i say is pseudo-clever bullshit
self-awareness to the point of ignorance

bonus round: i know they suffer too, i know we suffer too
from the Gods of systems we created
i wanna imagine and believe Lennon
but nobody can abandon human nature
let’s dance to forget, war and peace war and peace
everything i see is a dream