Hating self-hate

Because one way of self-hate wasnt enough.

I have begun to not only hate the body i am trapped in,
The cage of flesh and bones,
A body of the wrong sex.
A body that doesnt even function properly and has permanently put me in a chair,
But also the size of it.

I threw up today.
The mirror showed me such a vial image,
It made me physically sick.
A distorted figure of muffin tops and stomach rolls,
Invisible collar bones that im not even sure exist
And a bundle of fat and skin at the crease off my arm when it connects to my body.

I threw up, there wasnt much though..

That could be because I havent eatten yet today,
Or in the past three days.
It could also be that I choose to throw up the orange juice i drink in the morning because it might make me fatter than i already am,
I don't want to risk that.
Or I could be that I accept water as a substitute for any and all foods.

So now as i wrap my chest with bandages and stare as i realize it still isn't flat. I also see that the bandages are never going to be tight enough. I have to much weight for that.

I weight somewhere under 174 and stand at a height of 5'6", when i was able to stand at least.

My pre-existing disorders caused me to no longer stand.
My mental image of how i should be caused me to no longer eat.
My dysphoria caused me to damage myself to feel somewhat normal.

I no longer have any love for myself so I have decided to give it away to anyone who seems to need it.
Giving away love like it is a stack of flyers on a street corner that i no longer want to hold.
Hoping someone won't just take it to throw it in the nearest trash can that they pass.

My path to hating myself started a long time ago and now I may be close to reaching the end of all paths if i cannot remember which way to go when the road forks.
Right, the path back to my loved ones and family, to ask for help.
Or Left, to continue on foward until I find a wall and suddenly have no where left to go.

..ive reached the fork in the road, i can't remember what path i chose because i was so tired from the journey there.

Hopefully I took the right one.