UTTERLY POINTLESS

 
Now our conversations contain only silence
The daily messenger messages are all blank
Voice chat is just a place where we don't talk anymore
Video chat is just white noise and jagged lines
Emails are become f-mails (fuck emailing)
Phone calls a constant annoying ring tone
Facebook messaging blocked and made impossible
Letters are left unwritten or not mailed
Our once psychic connection evaporates into the ether
It has all ended

The blue and green eyes that will never meet again
The hands that will never again be pressed together
The arms that will never clasp in a loving hug
The lips that will never pout or kiss lovingly again
The voice that will never dare to say "I Love You!"
The love that can never be, truly felt the same way

Sadness has become audibly loud
pages of my love poetry are now blank
my muse like Elvis; has left the building
My personal motivation dead despite advice
Night terrors like an old black and white
television ghosting, loud white noise and jagged lines
The voices in your head scream 'Fuck emailing.'
The phone never rings: I miss its annoying ring tone
Any search for happiness now made impossible
Written love letters written but stuffed in a drawer
The will to carry on living evaporates into the ether

Two hearts that will never melt together again
The razor and the wrist is pressed together
The thought of never again feeling a loving hug
The knowledge that you won't be seen lovingly again
A reluctance and fear to say the words; "I Love You."
Loving and living no longer feel the same

Surely the point of living is to be happy
I need to know and feel love and be loved
I need to have dreams and future hope
I need something good to live for
Something worthwhile to work for
something I can genuinely look forward to
I want to actively love someone or something
I need to be touched gently and passionately
I want to commune and connect to nature's beauty
I need to write poetry, letters and post it notes of love
I need to laugh with another and feel personal joy
To never feel the stab of loneliness or rejection
To never again be shunned for being different

I am like a signpost; with my signs
pointing in all different directions
someone once said, having your signs
pointing in all directions is exactly the same
as having no point at all: Clearly
for me, this life and living has become
Utterly
Fucking
POINTLESS

Being pointless is not really living at all
At its level best it is not sustainable
some say it's a choice to not feel that way
and all we need is some personal motivation
what if I have no personal motivation - what then
what if I feel like I have no choice
what if I actually in truth, have no choice
what if I have no love for myself
what if I have been beaten down
brutalised and abused my entire fuckin life
and now with PTSD
I relive these memories every single day
The sights, sounds, smell, taste pain and fear
pain both mental and physical is constant
I feel shame for some things I've have done
but much more shame for things that were done to me
Life has become unpalatable and unliveable
it has become a torturous daily struggle
Love is always viewed as a positive force
but the lack of love is more destructive than
anything I have ever experienced or felt
un-requited love, a pleasant term we think
is nothing more than the burn of rejection
choice, if we have it, should not be restricted
the choice to end one's life can be a thing of beauty
can even be a catalyst for change
A release from all the demons and all that darkness
The end of sadness loneliness and pain
to become one with nature as ashes
becoming food for the trees
where I want my spirit to enter

there is one particular tree
Please scatter my ashes under the one eyed man
allowing me to rest in beauty and forgiveness
in a place where I once knew love joy and peace
this is now what I want and what I really deserve
with my life now pointless
to this
END
I WILL ENSURE
My DEATH WILL NOT
BE FUCKIN POINTLESS